It is not hard to convince a soldier of the reality of sin.
He recognizes that sin is at work in a world that necessitates war to maintain order. He, when humble, recognizes that sin is something at work within his own thoughts, words, and deeds. He will often engage in humorous practice of apologizing to the chaplain if he cusses in front of him, though the chaplain repeatedly says he doesn't care. Yet even that apology is an implicit acknowledgement that sin is not acceptable and will be accounted for.
But sin is not relegated to mere cuss words, lies, gossip, etc. It also doesn't belong simply to the normal catalog of common sexual sins today, such as promiscuity, homosexuality, pornography, etc. It belongs to the human condition. We must look past the idea that sin is simply a matter of what we do and acknowledge that it is a part of who we are. My symptoms reflect a greater disease.
This reality is a hard one to face for most people, including soldiers. If I am a sinner, then my lie cannot simply be wiped away by a generous act. Even if my good deeds could outweigh my bad deeds on balance (which they cannot--even our good deeds are like filthy rags before the Lord), they cannot atone for a nature that is fundamentally at war with the King.
While this is a hard reality, it also creates a humility and fundamental equality that allows for greater vulnerability (I know, a mouthful!). My sin is clearly evident to my soldiers. I am ashamed of it, and I will continue to grow, but I don't both trying to deny or excuse it. If I wrong someone, I try to apologize quickly. When I struggle, my soldiers will know I will be honest with them.
In these things, I try to uphold the truth that "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of who I am the worst. But it is for this very reason that He came--that in me, the worst of sinners, He might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who might believe and have eternal life" (1 Tim. 1:15-16).
I am an idiot saved by grace and readily confess this fact. My soldiers appreciate this fact and are more honest and vulnerable with me as a result. They know that I do not believe myself better than them. I had a soldier once freely tell me, "Sir, I love pornography." He knew I wouldn't condemn him for his admission, but he also knew that I would ask him why and invite a healthy discussion.
If my soldiers know I am a sinner, then they are free to be sinners in front of the chaplain. In this way, I am dealing with real soldiers, rather than the dressed up personas often presented to the chaplain. I don't want Sunday School soldiers. I want sinners in my path and hope that by the grace of God, I can share with them the grace that saved me, the worst of sinners, and manifest my own sinful expression of that grace in the warm and gentle tone I take with them.
May God grant me the wisdom, humility, and honesty needed to undertake a calling much greater than me. My life is bound to my calling, and my calling is bound to my Savior.
28.6.13
26.6.13
Why I Am Not Concerned...
The ruling today does nothing to change the way I interact with my soldiers. I counsel soldiers with a variety of behaviors I decidedly disagree with, from the sexually promiscuous to the homosexual. And they are not the enemy. As a faithful pastor and friend has often explained, "There are those saved by grace and those who need to be saved by grace." We are united in a common depravity and I seek, by God's grace, to unite more in a common confession and celebration of the grace of Jesus Christ toward sinners.
On a broader note, the culture wars are over. I will still steadily argue for my point of view and vigorously oppose any attempt to chill free speech on this matter (as a matter of religious conscience and civil principle). That said, the demographic writing is on the wall. And the demographic changes are merely a reflection of a broader philosophical trend toward linguistic relativism, historicism, and irrationalism. Words have meaning, and those meanings help norm society and maintain civil discourse.
That said, the reality is that words have lost meaning in our society. Tradition and logic are casualties of an innate wave of American progressivism that has swept over all people, regardless of party, ideology, or religious preference. Whenever we belittle traditions or define truth and make appeals based on our experiences, we allow ourselves to be swept up in this wave.
The culture war is over and good riddance. Any hope of a renewed culture lies in the rich soil of a revitalized church. And a revitalized church is rooted in a Word that norms all other beliefs and calls them to account. I will never sound a retreat from civic participation and even activism, but simply hope that a dark day for civil society will carry in its wings a new day for the church of Jesus Christ.
On a broader note, the culture wars are over. I will still steadily argue for my point of view and vigorously oppose any attempt to chill free speech on this matter (as a matter of religious conscience and civil principle). That said, the demographic writing is on the wall. And the demographic changes are merely a reflection of a broader philosophical trend toward linguistic relativism, historicism, and irrationalism. Words have meaning, and those meanings help norm society and maintain civil discourse.
That said, the reality is that words have lost meaning in our society. Tradition and logic are casualties of an innate wave of American progressivism that has swept over all people, regardless of party, ideology, or religious preference. Whenever we belittle traditions or define truth and make appeals based on our experiences, we allow ourselves to be swept up in this wave.
The culture war is over and good riddance. Any hope of a renewed culture lies in the rich soil of a revitalized church. And a revitalized church is rooted in a Word that norms all other beliefs and calls them to account. I will never sound a retreat from civic participation and even activism, but simply hope that a dark day for civil society will carry in its wings a new day for the church of Jesus Christ.
24.6.13
Happy Occasions
As reality settles in and the soldiers make an uneasy peace with the months to come, they take pinpricks of light and bask in their glow.
The wife of one soldier had a baby last week and the command gracious allowed the soldier to go on an emergency leave to be with his wife and baby (he also has a toddler boy). The soldier sent me pictures from the hospital, where he stared peacefully out the window as his baby girl curled up on his stomach. When he came back, I told him that his baby girl is beautiful. He said, "No, she's perfect."
He has been all smiles the past few days. Everybody, despite their growing unease, has rejoiced with him.
Another one of my soldiers will be getting married by the justice of the peace in the next week. He wanted to know if I could participate (I can't because I have a date with a little lady and a baby!), but I suggested that if his wife-to-be gets here early, we hold an informal religious celebration of his upcoming marriage. If he can confirm this arrangement, then several soldiers are at the ready to help make preparations. The soldier is incredibly excited by the idea and told me that he will have an answer by tonight.
For many weeks now, we have all shared in each other's sorrows. We grieve the separation from families and the resulting hardships. Together we grieve; together we celebrate.
Love. Life. As we prepare to walk through the valley, these peaks become our points of nostalgia as well as our destination.
The wife of one soldier had a baby last week and the command gracious allowed the soldier to go on an emergency leave to be with his wife and baby (he also has a toddler boy). The soldier sent me pictures from the hospital, where he stared peacefully out the window as his baby girl curled up on his stomach. When he came back, I told him that his baby girl is beautiful. He said, "No, she's perfect."
He has been all smiles the past few days. Everybody, despite their growing unease, has rejoiced with him.
Another one of my soldiers will be getting married by the justice of the peace in the next week. He wanted to know if I could participate (I can't because I have a date with a little lady and a baby!), but I suggested that if his wife-to-be gets here early, we hold an informal religious celebration of his upcoming marriage. If he can confirm this arrangement, then several soldiers are at the ready to help make preparations. The soldier is incredibly excited by the idea and told me that he will have an answer by tonight.
For many weeks now, we have all shared in each other's sorrows. We grieve the separation from families and the resulting hardships. Together we grieve; together we celebrate.
Love. Life. As we prepare to walk through the valley, these peaks become our points of nostalgia as well as our destination.
22.6.13
Helplessness
Years ago, on my second trip to Malawi, I was alone at a remote guesthouse when I learned that my grandma has collapsed in a garden and might not live. For a brief moment, I resented my distance and yearned to be back home where I could feign a degree of control. Yet, that's all it would be--feigning control. I quickly found comfort in my distance, accepting that God was teaching me through geography what I should be always learning anyway--my complete dependence upon Him.
In recent days, amid a constantly moving and changing schedule, I have counseled a number of soldiers on family issues. For various reasons, as might be expected, some of these soldiers' families are having a very difficult time. The hardest part of these ordeals is that my soldiers have control over very little of whatever afflicts their families. This helplessness gives way to anguish and anger, but it also provides an opportunity: To entrust one's loved ones to the all-powerful hand of the Almighty. Even if not rendered helpless as in the present situation, this is ultimately our hope--that an infinitely more loving and powerful God can exert a level of care that we cannot possibly match. And we must first entrust ourselves to that gracious hand.
In that vein, my friends, I ask for your prayers. I readily acknowledge my helplessness, but helplessness has a logical resting place--before the throne of grace in prayer. My helplessness drives me to my Father, and my faith in Christ gives me confidence as I approach His throne, knowing that I am washed in the blood of Jesus and dressed in His righteousness. That said, my helplessness has not recently found that resting place. I fall into bed late each night, quickly fall asleep, and sleep in until the last possible moment in the morning. My marginal moments at the beginning and end of the day are restless transitions into and out of sleep. Pray that from the sun's rising to its setting, I would find my resting place in Christ through prayer.
In recent days, amid a constantly moving and changing schedule, I have counseled a number of soldiers on family issues. For various reasons, as might be expected, some of these soldiers' families are having a very difficult time. The hardest part of these ordeals is that my soldiers have control over very little of whatever afflicts their families. This helplessness gives way to anguish and anger, but it also provides an opportunity: To entrust one's loved ones to the all-powerful hand of the Almighty. Even if not rendered helpless as in the present situation, this is ultimately our hope--that an infinitely more loving and powerful God can exert a level of care that we cannot possibly match. And we must first entrust ourselves to that gracious hand.
In that vein, my friends, I ask for your prayers. I readily acknowledge my helplessness, but helplessness has a logical resting place--before the throne of grace in prayer. My helplessness drives me to my Father, and my faith in Christ gives me confidence as I approach His throne, knowing that I am washed in the blood of Jesus and dressed in His righteousness. That said, my helplessness has not recently found that resting place. I fall into bed late each night, quickly fall asleep, and sleep in until the last possible moment in the morning. My marginal moments at the beginning and end of the day are restless transitions into and out of sleep. Pray that from the sun's rising to its setting, I would find my resting place in Christ through prayer.
19.6.13
Random Tips for Young Couples
Greetings, Friends.
Of the frequent counseling I do with soldiers, the most common theme is relationships. Due to are oversized Midwest contingent (mostly from Ohio), there is a higher percentage of married soldiers that I am used to. Yet the norm, especially in the Army, is that a given soldier has grown up in a broken home and now resides in a broken home. As a couple of black soldiers told me today when I asked them about their relationship situations--"Sir, you know no black people are married when they kids." That's not totally true--some 30% of black children are still born in wedlock, but that's an aside. The key takeaway is that broken relationships are a significant problem--morally, culturally, and psychologically (as most Army suicides are due to relationship failure).
All that said, here are a few random tips for young couples entertaining thoughts of marriage:
1) Make your relationship conversationally-based. This means that before you go to the movie or the club, you should go out to dinner or out for coffee. The focus should be on learning more about each other. Most important issues to hit: family, personal development, spiritual beliefs and moral standards, previous relationships, ambitions, strengths and weaknesses in character.
2) Establish boundaries right away. There is no time to lose. While it would be tacky to have a document in hand for your potential bf/gf, it should not be too far from the truth. Your standards should be discussed before things get serious (though it will be awkward), rather than when they get serious. Principles must govern the relationship from the outset. In addition, if both parties have different standards (and they shouldn't be too different), always give absolute deference to the stricter standard.
3) Ask for help immediately and always. As soon as you start dating someone, find a mentor in a really solid relationship and ask them for continuous wisdom and accountability. In addition, start reading some books on healthy relationships (and Scripture). If, God-willing, you become engaged, aim to do at least these three things: meet consistently with a mentor couple, meet consistently with a marriage counselor, and read books on marriage together. If, God-willing, you get married, arrange monthly or bi-monthly "check-ups" with a marriage counselor to get another set of eyes on your various patterns, difficulties, etc.
4) Keep all components of a relationship level with one another. Our spiritual, emotional, and physical bonds should all progress in one accord. Otherwise, a relationship gets lopsided and standards become more easily compromised. In other words, intimacy in one category will often lead to intimacy in another. In a sense, I think it is possible to be spiritually or emotionally promiscuous in a way that will harm your relationship (or future relationships). My own preference is that one doesn't drop the L-word until ring shopping has already commenced. And one should not take it to the "next level" physically unless they do so emotionally and spiritually--and with regard to all of these, this next level is the level of marriage, which binds them all together for a lifetime.
5) Play it safe. It is easy to become arrogant if you have strict moral standards. It is easy to declare that you will never compromise those standards, but that arrogance often gives rise to lapses in wisdom. In your pride, you enter a pressure-situation where the clear lines of moral standards evaporate into fog. You soon become another example of "how the mighty have fallen." In humility, set rules for yourself and your relationship from the outset that keep your out of dangerous scenarios. For example, Lindsey and I made it a rule not to hang out in private. We kept our dates outdoors, or only brought them into a house if there were others present.
6) Avoid relationship-killing attitudes and words. I went on a rant against the "D-bomb" yesterday, but there are other poisonous words and attitudes. For example, if someone says "I don't need help," they are in essence saying "My relationship is not worth the sacrifice of my pride." Those who refuse to get help are those who refuse to do what it takes. Also, generalizations. "He/she always does this..." or "This is just the way he/she is..." These generalizations form negative pictures of your significant other in your mind that poison your view of that person and traps them in a box that they cannot escape from.
7) Hone in on "family-of-origin" issues. The most destructive baggage we bring into relationships are psychological habits, ingrained expectations, and perhaps unhealthy relationships from our previous families. These FOO issues are often the most insidious, potent, and neglected factors and relationship failures. One of the great things about counselors is that they often help you unearth these various pieces of baggage and sort through them.
Ultimately, our relationships must be grounded in and consecrated in service to Jesus Christ. If we take the daily posture of "I am a sinner in need of grace," we are setting ourselves up for success. Our sin will hurt our relationships and at times, be painfully exposed. We must expect that and humbly prepare ourselves for such eventualities. At the same time, we are called in marriage to love one another unconditionally, and that unconditional love means that grace is always extended toward the sinner. That grace, in light of our most destructive impulses, gives us safety and security to grow and reminds that those who are found in Christ need never fear being lost once more.
Of the frequent counseling I do with soldiers, the most common theme is relationships. Due to are oversized Midwest contingent (mostly from Ohio), there is a higher percentage of married soldiers that I am used to. Yet the norm, especially in the Army, is that a given soldier has grown up in a broken home and now resides in a broken home. As a couple of black soldiers told me today when I asked them about their relationship situations--"Sir, you know no black people are married when they kids." That's not totally true--some 30% of black children are still born in wedlock, but that's an aside. The key takeaway is that broken relationships are a significant problem--morally, culturally, and psychologically (as most Army suicides are due to relationship failure).
All that said, here are a few random tips for young couples entertaining thoughts of marriage:
1) Make your relationship conversationally-based. This means that before you go to the movie or the club, you should go out to dinner or out for coffee. The focus should be on learning more about each other. Most important issues to hit: family, personal development, spiritual beliefs and moral standards, previous relationships, ambitions, strengths and weaknesses in character.
2) Establish boundaries right away. There is no time to lose. While it would be tacky to have a document in hand for your potential bf/gf, it should not be too far from the truth. Your standards should be discussed before things get serious (though it will be awkward), rather than when they get serious. Principles must govern the relationship from the outset. In addition, if both parties have different standards (and they shouldn't be too different), always give absolute deference to the stricter standard.
3) Ask for help immediately and always. As soon as you start dating someone, find a mentor in a really solid relationship and ask them for continuous wisdom and accountability. In addition, start reading some books on healthy relationships (and Scripture). If, God-willing, you become engaged, aim to do at least these three things: meet consistently with a mentor couple, meet consistently with a marriage counselor, and read books on marriage together. If, God-willing, you get married, arrange monthly or bi-monthly "check-ups" with a marriage counselor to get another set of eyes on your various patterns, difficulties, etc.
4) Keep all components of a relationship level with one another. Our spiritual, emotional, and physical bonds should all progress in one accord. Otherwise, a relationship gets lopsided and standards become more easily compromised. In other words, intimacy in one category will often lead to intimacy in another. In a sense, I think it is possible to be spiritually or emotionally promiscuous in a way that will harm your relationship (or future relationships). My own preference is that one doesn't drop the L-word until ring shopping has already commenced. And one should not take it to the "next level" physically unless they do so emotionally and spiritually--and with regard to all of these, this next level is the level of marriage, which binds them all together for a lifetime.
5) Play it safe. It is easy to become arrogant if you have strict moral standards. It is easy to declare that you will never compromise those standards, but that arrogance often gives rise to lapses in wisdom. In your pride, you enter a pressure-situation where the clear lines of moral standards evaporate into fog. You soon become another example of "how the mighty have fallen." In humility, set rules for yourself and your relationship from the outset that keep your out of dangerous scenarios. For example, Lindsey and I made it a rule not to hang out in private. We kept our dates outdoors, or only brought them into a house if there were others present.
6) Avoid relationship-killing attitudes and words. I went on a rant against the "D-bomb" yesterday, but there are other poisonous words and attitudes. For example, if someone says "I don't need help," they are in essence saying "My relationship is not worth the sacrifice of my pride." Those who refuse to get help are those who refuse to do what it takes. Also, generalizations. "He/she always does this..." or "This is just the way he/she is..." These generalizations form negative pictures of your significant other in your mind that poison your view of that person and traps them in a box that they cannot escape from.
7) Hone in on "family-of-origin" issues. The most destructive baggage we bring into relationships are psychological habits, ingrained expectations, and perhaps unhealthy relationships from our previous families. These FOO issues are often the most insidious, potent, and neglected factors and relationship failures. One of the great things about counselors is that they often help you unearth these various pieces of baggage and sort through them.
Ultimately, our relationships must be grounded in and consecrated in service to Jesus Christ. If we take the daily posture of "I am a sinner in need of grace," we are setting ourselves up for success. Our sin will hurt our relationships and at times, be painfully exposed. We must expect that and humbly prepare ourselves for such eventualities. At the same time, we are called in marriage to love one another unconditionally, and that unconditional love means that grace is always extended toward the sinner. That grace, in light of our most destructive impulses, gives us safety and security to grow and reminds that those who are found in Christ need never fear being lost once more.
18.6.13
The Doomsday Device or How I Learned to Hate the D-Bomb
I have a hard time with marriage counseling. There is often loads of selfishness, rampant finger-pointing, pettiness, and cruelty. Yet there is one below-the-belt device that supercedes all others and makes a marriage conflict "go nuclear": the D-bomb.
You can cuss at your spouse (though you most certainly shouldn't) and it would not have the devastating impact of mentioning the term "divorce." It doesn't matter what the context is, how it is employed, or what supposed justification there is for it--you must avoid going nuclear at all costs.
I know of one soldier who is having a horrible time with his wife in his young marriage. It seems like he is much more eager to work past their problems than she is, and that he is willing to receive outside help, while she is not (which is usually the kiss of death upon a marriage). The problem is that, as she was berating him recently, he blurted out something along the lines of "If you'd like a divorce, I'll do it, because I just want you to be happy."
Sounds kind and loving, but is really cruel and devastating. Our words are a reflection of our thoughts, and in turn, often become our deeds. By using the term, this soldier displayed his deeper thoughts and showed that an unacceptable option was on the table. It doesn't matter how he put it, his wife now knows that his bond of love and commitment is not unbreakable, as long as she is the one to push the red button.
We must never, ever use that term--not as a matter of rigorous rule-keeping, but as a matter of wisdom and love. To use the term is to tell the one who relies upon our unconditional love that our love is, in fact, conditional in some part. The trust and security and vulnerability found in the bond of unconditional love is immediately forfeited and can only be rebuilt with great effort.
Jesus has told His sheep that no one can snatch them from His hand (John 10) and Paul later instructs us by God's Spirit that "nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8). In that absolute assurance and security, believers have the freedom to live life and face death without fear. It must be the undeterred goal of the spouse to reflect that love and grant the same assurance and security to a marriage, even at great sacrifice. For Christ, when called upon to seal this bond of unconditional love between God and His people, did so with the shedding of His own blood.
You can cuss at your spouse (though you most certainly shouldn't) and it would not have the devastating impact of mentioning the term "divorce." It doesn't matter what the context is, how it is employed, or what supposed justification there is for it--you must avoid going nuclear at all costs.
I know of one soldier who is having a horrible time with his wife in his young marriage. It seems like he is much more eager to work past their problems than she is, and that he is willing to receive outside help, while she is not (which is usually the kiss of death upon a marriage). The problem is that, as she was berating him recently, he blurted out something along the lines of "If you'd like a divorce, I'll do it, because I just want you to be happy."
Sounds kind and loving, but is really cruel and devastating. Our words are a reflection of our thoughts, and in turn, often become our deeds. By using the term, this soldier displayed his deeper thoughts and showed that an unacceptable option was on the table. It doesn't matter how he put it, his wife now knows that his bond of love and commitment is not unbreakable, as long as she is the one to push the red button.
We must never, ever use that term--not as a matter of rigorous rule-keeping, but as a matter of wisdom and love. To use the term is to tell the one who relies upon our unconditional love that our love is, in fact, conditional in some part. The trust and security and vulnerability found in the bond of unconditional love is immediately forfeited and can only be rebuilt with great effort.
Jesus has told His sheep that no one can snatch them from His hand (John 10) and Paul later instructs us by God's Spirit that "nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8). In that absolute assurance and security, believers have the freedom to live life and face death without fear. It must be the undeterred goal of the spouse to reflect that love and grant the same assurance and security to a marriage, even at great sacrifice. For Christ, when called upon to seal this bond of unconditional love between God and His people, did so with the shedding of His own blood.
16.6.13
A Christ-Based Unity
One of the things I wonder at in the military is the opportunity I have to join in a Christ-based unity with believers of other backgrounds--whether they be racial or denominational. For example, I currently minister alongside a black, Baptist chaplain (and friend) and now Puerto Rican Methodist chaplain. Both are evangelical believers who desire to see God glorified and preach Christ crucified.
After the service I led this morning, two soldiers--one African and the other Hispanic, came up to me and asked for prayer for a fellow soldier who lost his 21 year old son in a car accident last night. A very diverse group of us gathered together in my office and prayed for this broken dad. In all of these things, I appreciate the foretaste of Heaven, when believers from every tribe and tongue and nation will gather around the throne of Christ.
Of course, we must always beware those false unities made in the name of Christ but really under the banner of compromise and multi-culturalism. The throne of Christ is the orientation point of unity for believers of different backgrounds today, as it will be in eternity. Attempts to coerce such a unity in any other guise, or by watering down one's beliefs, are antithetical to the true unity that comes in Christ.
After the service I led this morning, two soldiers--one African and the other Hispanic, came up to me and asked for prayer for a fellow soldier who lost his 21 year old son in a car accident last night. A very diverse group of us gathered together in my office and prayed for this broken dad. In all of these things, I appreciate the foretaste of Heaven, when believers from every tribe and tongue and nation will gather around the throne of Christ.
Of course, we must always beware those false unities made in the name of Christ but really under the banner of compromise and multi-culturalism. The throne of Christ is the orientation point of unity for believers of different backgrounds today, as it will be in eternity. Attempts to coerce such a unity in any other guise, or by watering down one's beliefs, are antithetical to the true unity that comes in Christ.
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