I counseled a soldier recently who has only been married a short time. Even at this early stage of deployment, both this soldier and his wife are finding it very difficult to trust one another. Why?
Well in part it likely has to do with a history they each have of betrayed love. This soldier grew up in a very broken home, where love--if it existed at all--was very much conditional. Both he and his wife have subsequently been in relationships where love have been suddenly and viciously betrayed. Over and over, they have each learned that love is not a secure place to live.
And this type of history, with its negative reinforcement of that learned false perception of reality, easily becomes incorporated into one's own feeling of self-worth. "I am not worthy of love." "I have to be careful, or else he/she might leave me." "I must grasp tighter to keep him/her from leaving."
I believe that at the core of most psychological brokenness today (aside from the pervasive reality of sin and its effects), is a fundamental mistrust of love rooted in experiences of a betrayal of love.
We live in a society where most people, especially the young, have been touched by the breakdown of the family structure and bonds of love that hold it together--whether it be in the form of divorce, abuse, adultery, or abandonment. The effects have been devastating. A child who is abused or watched a parent walk out the door tends to expect the same thing to happen again. A spouse who is cheated upon and/or divorced tends to expect the same thing to happen again.
Thus, you have a generation of young people who will engage in the physical pleasure of sex or the comfort of living together without the terrifying commitment of marriage. It is a lot easier to deal with the departure of a sex buddy or partner than the departure of a spouse. And why engage in that commitment when it will only dissolve with devastating effects anyway? Why not just enjoy the surface pleasures of life and avoid the inevitable tragedy?
Brokenness breeds brokenness and it is incredibly hard to arrest that pattern.
But it is possible. As I explained to this couple, our future is not determined by our past. In the case of this soldier, he has experienced all of the above from parents and former spouse. He has nothing but negative patterns before him. Or does he?
Psalm 27 tells us that "though parents may betray, the Lord will take me in." There is only one love out there that will never betray in any form. One love that is purely unconditional and can make us safe. One love that can take past wounds and tenderly heal them. That is the love of God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
This soldier (poignantly) told me that he simply wanted to love his wife like Christ loved the church and to cover her pain with new, positive experiences. A wonderful sentiment, but I told him that he can't do it. This calling upon husbands is as much a point of conviction--we can't love our wifes like Christ loved the church. It is also as much a point of comfort--Christ did sacrifice Himself to the point of death for the sake of the church.
As spouses, we are not mediators of grace. We cannot bind wounds. We cannot fortify with love and good deeds. We are reflectors of grace. In our sin, we work toward these things, knowing that ultimately, in our weakness, the blessed power of Christ is poured into wounds and made to fortify the heart by His Spirit. Only He can cover past sin and bring purpose to past suffering. Only He can cover those things with His own perfect life and grant us peace and eternal security.
The remedy for betrayed love is for forgiven-traitors like me to humbly point my wife to the cross.
And bound with unconditional love, with sin permanently forgiven, with will empowered by the Holy Spirit, I dedicate my life to reminding my wife in word and in deed of a love secured by the Father's love, the Son's atoning work, and the Spirit's sanctifying power.
