12.10.13

Running and Funning

One of my greatest bonds with soldiers comes with running, which many want to do and all have to do. These times, especially for men, create some of the best venues for conversation.

Here are some pictures from our Army Ten Miler at my current post:



 This is me and my old buddy, the MSG. We have probably done 100+ funerals together.


This is my chaplain assistant. I am turning around to pick up more runners.
 

 This was me approaching the finish line. I get excited at such moments.


This was a team shot of our unit's runners after a recent 5k. I'm the one in back.

11.10.13

Letting Go and Letting God

This is one of the silly (though somewhat applicable) lines that was bantered about quite a bit in my early Christian years.

The idea was that we work to wrest control of our lives from the God who made us and we need and out to hand the reigns back to Him (a la Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel"). While the point made in such a line is valid, we need to remember that God doesn't need us to "let" Him do anything. It's like the notion of "choosing God" or "inviting the Holy Spirit" into a place. We don't choose God--He chooses us, and He does so by inviting us into right relationship to Him enabling us to accept the invitation by the power of His Holy Spirit.

For that matter, we also can't "invite Jesus into our hearts." Put simply, we aren't that hospitable to God. We'll never invite Him in--we'll lock and deadbolt the door. We only open the door because God has exerted His rightful claim upon the house by the blood of His own Son, and the Holy Spirit opens our eyes and hearts to see that fact. Oh, and one final thing--Jesus lives in heaven, not in our hearts. It is His Holy Spirit who dwells in us.

All of that is merely a sideshow to my main point: Letting go and letting God. Even if the cliche is a bit off, it hints at the fundamental struggle to relinquish one's rights before the King of the earth.

Sometimes, God gives us clear examples of our helplessness to show us our need to trust Him. I was all alone in Malawi in 2007, preparing the way for my team to arrive, when I was told that my grandmother had collapsed in her garden and might die. There was no way for me to help her. No opportunity to visit her before she might die. I had to accept God's timing and God's control. It took being a half a world away for my foolish heart to learn such simple wisdom.

In the same vein, I have no option but to relinquish my ability to guard the lives and well-being of my dear wife and little boy from out here. As weird as it might sound, I may be as nervous for their safety as they are for mine. If their lives were threatened, I would have no opportunity to donkey-kick anyone in the head or give them the Stone Cold Stunner. :)

Separation reinforces the reality that our lives are sustained by the hand of God alone. He grants life and He takes it away. Doesn't matter if I'm around. God will take each of us in our appointed time. Our heart's desire then musn't be the desperate grasp of a life we don't ultimately control, but the desperate grasp of the Christ who reigns over us and gives meaning to this life. Our lives are never more secure--in life or death--than when they reside in the hand of the Good Shepherd, from whence they shall never be stripped away.

I was reminded of this poignant point by this sobering story: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2013/10/10/how-the-ayres-family-buried-their-8-children/

May I not obsess so much over life that I lose my obsession with life's purpose: To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Oh, that I might commit those I love the most, as well as my life's cares, to the God who loved me eternally in Christ Jesus!
 

10.10.13

Home, Sweet, Dusty Home

At the last minute, I finally able to make a brief excursion back to my original post this morning.

I enjoyed weaving through its labyrinthine corridors to visit various soldiers of mine scattered throughout the post. It was a pleasant reunion and I was able to find out how people are faring. A group of people there have continued the No BS BS and one of my buds has continued to coordinate the half marathon series, to great effect.

Every so often, soldiers get a whiff of home--just some random trigger that provokes a flood of seemingly mundane memories that makes soldiers yearn for their previous life.

Recently, I have thought of the following things:

1) A crisp, original chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A. No sauces, just the pickles.

2) Viewing and running around in green grass, like the sort that populates the park near my home.

3) Running on a course of my own, not bound by rolls of barbed wife.

4) Driving a vehicle with ample air conditioning, the freedom to roll down a window, and knowing that there is no suspicious devices around you, suspicious people on cell phones, or explosive-packed vehicles waiting to barrel toward you in an intersection.

5) A glass of wine. Nothing fancy. Just cheap, tasty Whole Foods wine.

6) Sitting under the preaching of the Word and knowing that you will hear the Gospel preached.

7) Going for dates with my wife and playing with my boy!

Of course, contrary to the saying, home is not where your heart is. Your heart should be where home is. And my home is being prepared for me even now by Jesus Christ. May my heart be set there.

9.10.13

Sleep by Shellfire

I finally had a chance to visit the most-exposed team in my unit last night.

My assistant and I jumped on a chopper that skirted alongside towering mountains before dropping into a valley amidst the mountain ranges. We arrived in the pitch black of night, as all lighting is kept to a minimum due to the vulnerability of the outpost.

The risk posed to soldiers there is not great, but it is ever-present. For a time, the enemy had an artillery piece locked on to the post and moved it around the mountainside by donkey cart before we could take it out. I talked with the chaplain of the infantry unit there--they have lost six soldiers and many dozens have been injured.

Two days ago, a team of contractors who work for us set off in an unarmored car to a nearby worksite, despite warnings that we had definitive intel showing the placement of an IED on that road the night before. I have a picture on my computer of what is left of their car, and it isn't much.

Our team is doing well in their journeys and stay-overs down there, despite the stress and strain. Not a one of them has been injured, and there team leader (who I mentioned in an earlier post) takes magnificent care of them, even if his own issues from previous deployment and leadership style can make him somewhat abrasive.

The team leader gave me a tour of the outpost this morning and the lead NCO gave me a tour of their worksite beneath the shadow of a nearby mountain. From that worksite, I was show the road across the valley where our contractors were hit, as well as the provincial governor's compound, which is left unoccupied (which is not surprising, since it is at the base of a mountain and asking to get hit).

While reading in bed last night, the building shook with a manificent boom. "Curious," I thought, listened for a few moments to see if anyone was scrambling around or running for bunkers, heard nothing, and resumed reading (it was a good book). Every couple of minutes, I heard and felt another large "BOOM!" Eventually, the chaplain's assistant at the outpost poked his head out of his room and said "By the way, that is outgoing, not incoming." So nonchalant, which is what you might expect from someone who lives there every day.

After meeting with the team leader for a little while more today, I rode back to our home base with the team in their battle-mobiles. The long and potentially hazardous drive, which often inflicts it own measure of stress upon these soldiers, was uneventful.

I was reminded over the last 24 hours of how cushy we have it here in our main outpost. And even our most exposed soldiers, there in one of most dangerous regions of the country for the majority of each week, are not experiencing what many other soldiers in the more dangerous regions are experiencing every hour of every day. Please keep our soldiers, especially those living precariously on the edge of life, in your prayers.

Danger is relative. Security is not. I belong body and soul, in life and death, to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The earth may shake beneath me, but caught in His hand, I shall never be shaken.

8.10.13

My Comfort and Prayer

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

7.10.13

Feasting Until You're Famished

Every so often, on a Sunday night after evening chapel, I will try to sneak in a $2 black market movie (which is legal out here, though you get what you pay for). Last night, I was treated to The Great Gatsby, which, due to its quality, offered me each picture several seconds before it sound. So I would watch lips move followed by a scene change, and then here what was said. Annoying, but tolerable. :)

I enjoyed the movie for a number of reasons: One, I only read a brief portion of the book in high school before I got bored and read the Spark Notes (don't do this at home, kids). So it was new to me. Two, I love Baz Luhrmann's cinematography and powerful intermingling of music with his films (as in the masterful Moulin Rouge). Third, it makes some profound points, which will be my focus here.

(Spoiler alert) The historical backdrop of the story is the roaring '20s, a time of booming wealth, exceeded only by undue optimism and egotism. To the great credit of the movie (and perhaps the book?), it does not directly and exclusively tie this era, the wealthy, or Wall Street to the odious motive of "greed." (I wish our public school system showed such intellectual honesty when dealing with history, but unless you demolish the motives and character of this era, you cannot turn FDR into the economic and moral messiah that many believe him to be.)

The character of the '20s was very much like our era and every age generally--a complex intermeshing of virtue and vice. Was there great greed? Of course. There always is. Man is greedy. There was also great hope amongst many to create a better future for their children then the ravagement of the "war to end all wars" the previous decade.

Part of the story--simple economics--is somewhat morally neutral. The great boom was not merely a product of human nature and its desires, it was a product of great scientific advances, technological innovation, and the freedom to harness the creative impulses and invest and their potential. The investments in such a promising era became too risky, and the reality that growth takes time would come crashing down in the form of the Great Depression (in ways similar to this recent, and perhaps present, recession).

But a large part of the story, often missed in our education of this era, was an undue optimism in human nature. World War One did not have the same devastating effects of American optimism that it did in Europe. Modernism--the belief that autonomous man can master truth, society, and human nature--was still undeminished. Progressive utopianism, largely led by theologically hollow churches, which believed in the innate goodness and perfectibility of man, would proceed unabated.

Thus, the prevailing worldview of many Americans would fundamentally flawed, leading to a reckless lifestyle where failure and suffering was somewhat incomprehensible. The Great Depression did not simply burst the economic bubble, but the naive idealism that undergirded it.

At the end of Gatsby, after the frivolous parties, lavish decadence, and rampant self-indulgences, the central figure lies dead, without a single visitor to his funeral. Gatsby, like many of his era cloaked in perceived invincibility, feasted upon the world until he was famished. Man can never transform his nature or that of the world, and such a naive hope always ends in despair and often in disaster.

I found this theme dramatically illustrated in the use of cars in the movie. For much of the movie, the wealthy characters at the heart of the story drove at excessive speed and simply flashed their business cards at police to avoid getting ticketed. They lived reckless lives, unbound by law or boundaries. Toward the end of the movie, such reckless driving resulted in both a crash and a death--the puncturing of the perception of invicibility and the loss of humanity.

The reality is, as America began to finally learn in the Great Depression and in World War Two and finally in the drugged-up Vietnam era, that human nature can be neither transformed, nor can it transform the world. Sinners cannot remedy what ails them with the resources of their own nature or a broken world. Our passions and purposes can only be rightly directed and fulfilled when they are set upon their rightful object--the God of the universe, revealed to us in Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ poured out his life, not in pursuit of meaningless worldly objects or social ideals, but for the sake of sinners and the glory of the Father. Every life apart from Christ is wasted. Yet there was no part of the life of Christ that was wasted. He didn't idolize sinners; He died for them.

Gatsby, with its depressing and meaningful storyline about meaninglessness, does not reveal the vacuity of the '20s, wealth, or Wall Street, but of human nature and its pretensions. Yet the forsaken death of the great Gatsby is answered by the forsaken death of the humble Son of God. Life need not be marked by a meaningless decay and descent into death, but can grow ever upward in hope and meaning by the righteous life and atoning death of Jesus Christ.

6.10.13

A Change of Scenery Doesn't Produce a Change of Heart

I confess that I struggle with a problem faced by many today: I blame my lack of contentment on my circumstances, not my heart.

I do not hide the fact that one of the reasons I love the Army and Malawi is that they cause me to lose myself. I am not given the time to be lazy and self-indulgent. I am not given the means to be self-sufficient. I am not given the control that makes me arrogant. So I speak in pious terms about how these roles and places help me lose myself and make me a better person.

And yet, these pious terms are merely window dressing on a serious sin struggle--I use circumstances to affect heart change, when all they can do is impose an artificial reprieve for my selfishness.

I wonder why it is that the newfound sense of piety I gain from these endeavors doesn't long carry over into my "normal" life in the States. Isn't it clear? The only thing that truly changes on these endeavors is my circumstances, not my heart. So when the circumstances change back, I am exposed as having experienced no lasting change.

This is not to deny that God can and is changing me, for He works in me to will and work according to His good pleasure. He sanctifies me in spite of myself. His Word pierces my heart even when it seems closed to it. Though God doesn't deny me grace in Christ, I deny His grace in Christ.

I deny it every time I look to circumstances to break the strangle-hold of my sin. I deny it when I give the circumstances the glory rather than Him. I deny it when I boast of my desire to "lose myself," when I make no attempt on an ongoing basis to lose myself in Christ.

The grass is not greener on the other side of whatever my present circumstances are. The grass is most green in the valley of the shadow of death, for You are with me, Your rod and staff--they comfort me. The grass is most green in pasture of the Good Shepherd, who knows me, calls me, feeds me, protects me. Change is most readily found feeding within His fence-line, not hoping for a new trough.

Every source of change apart from Christ is fleeting and hollow. I think that I will find contentment by wandering from my father's house into the wilderness, nourished by His previous graces as I seek satisfaction in other places. I wake up mid-day at what I thought was my watering hole, and find that I was feeding upon the discarded pea pods of worldly existence, starving for the grace that makes me whole.

And behavior change is not heart change. So much of our philosophy and psychology today is oriented toward changing behavior. But if you change my behavior, you have not changed me. My poison-tipped tongue and poisonous fruits of the sinful nature arise from a heart that pumps poison and rebellion against God. My heart must be changed. You change my heart, you change me.

And avoidance of suffering and struggling against the self does not mean avoidance of sin. I cannot cloister myself in a monastery of my own thoughts and feelings and think that I have escaped from my sin. Suffering exposes my sin and need for grace. It teaches me to trust the One who saved and changes my heart, even through circumstances that seem to wound my heart.

Here, at the bottom of my pride, I come to this pride-crushing conclusion: This deployment in itself will do nothing to change me. It will not make me a more effective minister of God's grace, let alone a more grateful recipient of God's grace. It will not teach me dependence. It cannot give me peace or enable me to persevere.

A change of scenery doesn't produce a change of heart. Jesus does.