One soldier dropped down in my office the other day--eyes bloodshot, rubbing his temples, barely holding it together.
His team has the most dangerous assignment of any in our unit. Each week they travel one of the more dangerous roads to a site in enemy country that has likely only escaped being overrun because we have special friends in special places doing special things. This soldier, the leader of the team, gets little sleep, rarely talks to his wife and kids, and has only worked out three times since arriving. He says that the risk and exposure of his team exceeds any danger he faced in Iraq.
The reason behind this frenetic pace (besides the obvious danger): He doesn't trust his fellow soldiers to keep the team safe. This is not because these soldiers are untrustworthy. In fact, their accomplishments thus far seem to indicate that they are quite mission-capable.
Why, then, can he not let go? Because he has served in active combat zones before. He has suffered casualties amongst his men. He has held one of his soldiers as he died in his arms. He cannot let go of control, nor relax, because he is all that stands between the enemy and his soldiers. And he cannot let another one die. He just can't.
One of the most poignant episodes from the series, Scrubs, was one in which the best friend of the supervisory doctor (Dr. Cox) died while under care of Dr. Cox's protege (J.D.). After that incident, Dr. Cox took over all of J.D.'s responsibilities and stopped sleeping. He couldn't trust the other doctors to keep his patients alive.
When one undergoes the trauma of a loved one's death, especially in combat, a vast reservoir of complex and contorted thoughts and emotions can develop. "I am responsible for this soldier's death." "Why him and not me?" "If only I had done this..." And new experiences in similar environments can trigger all of the old thoughts and emotions, driven by excessive guilt and paranoia.
This particular soldier was surely chosen as leader of this team because of his combat experience. He is the best equipped to keep this team safe. Yet that same experience has also taken its expected toll.
I told this hero that he has to stop and rest. No lip service. He has to for the good of his soldiers. He will be no good for his soldiers if he has a mental breakdown. In that scenario, are most experienced and effective junior leader is taken off of the field. More than that, he has to accept that whether he loses a soldier or not, their lives are not in his hands. If God will not let a hair fall from our heads but by His divine appointment, then surely He can and will protect our soldiers until His appointed day for them.
By God's grace, this soldier took the week off and has handed the reigns off to one of his experienced and capable subordinates. Please pray for this team, which includes:
-a soldier who was called up into this mission just after coming back from deployment, leaving a wife and a couple of kids for another year long stretch.
-a soldier who was called up into this mission as he was about to retire after several deployments.
-a soldier with a little girl at home that he only has opportunity to call twice a week, at most.
-a soldier with five kids at home and an overwhelmed wife.
-a soldier with two little boys (who he misses desperately) and a little girl on the way.
Man cannot bear the weight of life, but he can trust in the Savior who can and did.
28.9.13
26.9.13
A Self-Serving Morality
I love it when soldiers are thinking in moral terms. We live in a very pragmatic society where we often ask "What works?" or "What can we do?" as opposed to "What should we do?" Morality is often not often a serious consideration, though discretion and self-restraint is part of what distinguishes us from animals.
And the reality is that all people have a conception of morality, even if not explicity. Even when one extols the virtues of moral relativism, he likely won't exercise that relativism in practice (i.e., killing people willy-nilly, and even if he does kill people, he will probably discriminate between strangers, children, family, etc.--which still shows moral discernment).
I wonder sometimes if the greater cultural problem we face is not moral relativism, but a self-serving morality. I think most people can be convinced that morality is not relative, but the greater issue still needs to be pressed: Why does your conception of morality excuse or condemn the moral choices of others, but no longer applies when it reaches your doorstep?
I had a soldier come to my office the other night. I appreciate this soldier, as he is devoted to his little daughter, who is currently living with her mom. I also appreciated his rationale for why he trusted his girlfriend at home--"She hasn't ever slept with a man." He knew that such previous restraint made it more likely that she would show restraint against temptation while he is deployed. I was somewhat appalled, however, when he added "Until me, that is."
As I don't know this soldier particularly well, and he was just passing through my office, I knew it was not the time to pick at his glaring and self-serving inconsistency. I asked more about his daughter, and encouraged him in his thoughts about marrying his girlfriend. Many young men his age view women as means to their personal, pleasurable end (and an increasingly number of young women are thinking in the same terms). When a young person talks of marriage, and the sacrifice it requires, it gives me hope.
Back to his inconsistency--this soldier loved his girlfriend's prior celibacy for his own sake, but what if he doesn't marry her? What if the next boyfriend shares this man's standard and resents the fact that this woman has now lost her virginity? This soldier extolled his girlfriend's morality as long as it paid dividends for it, but he had no problem exploiting it as soon as it served his interest. Does our morality apply only until the choices arrive at our front door? Do we abide by commands like "Thou shalt not sex thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is mineself?"
We are all hypocrities, and there are two types of hypocrites in this world. There are those hypocrities who fail to maintain a standard that is greater than themselves. They firmly believe that pride is a sin, but gosh darnit, they still wrestle with pride on a daily basis. But these hypocrites do not justify their behavior. They recognize it as wrong and seek continual improvement.
Then there are those hypocrites who believe they are the greater standard. They hold others to a particular standard that they define, but they stand above their own law. They are the type who will say "You are not allowed to sleep with my sister, but I will help myself to yours." They are moral absolutists toward you and me, but only resort to relativism when it comes to justifying their own behavior.
Jesus Christ, though incarnated as human, submitted himself perfectly to God's divine law, through which he resisted the temptations of the great Tempter, lived a sinless life, and at the precipice of death, declared "Not my will, but Yours be done." He was the one unhypocritical man, and He lived this sinless life and submitted to death in service to the glory of God and redemption of the self-righteous hypocrites (including you and me) who nailed Him to the cross. His was the very opposite of a self-serving morality, for He came as a servant.
May more bow the knee to the Servant-King of this world, rather than to their own self-interests (Phil. 2).
I hope this soldier marries his girlfriend and displays a selflessness that hitherto has not been his M.O. But if his exploitative morality is brought into that marriage, then his poor girlfriend would be merely a means to his personal, pleasurable end. If they do not get married, I hope the next boyfriend would not display the same condemning approach toward past indiscretions and exploiting approach toward the present. I hope he would approach the gal with a redemptive heart, seeking to secure her in an unconditional love in light of the cross, where Jesus bore God's just condemnation so we might live in the light of His grace.
And may God has mercy on His bride, the Church, where we are increasingly tempted to replace the "right" hypocrisy (version 1) for the wrong one (version 2), and make ourselves self-righteous kings of morality rather than humble ambassadors for the rightful King (2 Cor. 5).
And the reality is that all people have a conception of morality, even if not explicity. Even when one extols the virtues of moral relativism, he likely won't exercise that relativism in practice (i.e., killing people willy-nilly, and even if he does kill people, he will probably discriminate between strangers, children, family, etc.--which still shows moral discernment).
I wonder sometimes if the greater cultural problem we face is not moral relativism, but a self-serving morality. I think most people can be convinced that morality is not relative, but the greater issue still needs to be pressed: Why does your conception of morality excuse or condemn the moral choices of others, but no longer applies when it reaches your doorstep?
I had a soldier come to my office the other night. I appreciate this soldier, as he is devoted to his little daughter, who is currently living with her mom. I also appreciated his rationale for why he trusted his girlfriend at home--"She hasn't ever slept with a man." He knew that such previous restraint made it more likely that she would show restraint against temptation while he is deployed. I was somewhat appalled, however, when he added "Until me, that is."
As I don't know this soldier particularly well, and he was just passing through my office, I knew it was not the time to pick at his glaring and self-serving inconsistency. I asked more about his daughter, and encouraged him in his thoughts about marrying his girlfriend. Many young men his age view women as means to their personal, pleasurable end (and an increasingly number of young women are thinking in the same terms). When a young person talks of marriage, and the sacrifice it requires, it gives me hope.
Back to his inconsistency--this soldier loved his girlfriend's prior celibacy for his own sake, but what if he doesn't marry her? What if the next boyfriend shares this man's standard and resents the fact that this woman has now lost her virginity? This soldier extolled his girlfriend's morality as long as it paid dividends for it, but he had no problem exploiting it as soon as it served his interest. Does our morality apply only until the choices arrive at our front door? Do we abide by commands like "Thou shalt not sex thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is mineself?"
We are all hypocrities, and there are two types of hypocrites in this world. There are those hypocrities who fail to maintain a standard that is greater than themselves. They firmly believe that pride is a sin, but gosh darnit, they still wrestle with pride on a daily basis. But these hypocrites do not justify their behavior. They recognize it as wrong and seek continual improvement.
Then there are those hypocrites who believe they are the greater standard. They hold others to a particular standard that they define, but they stand above their own law. They are the type who will say "You are not allowed to sleep with my sister, but I will help myself to yours." They are moral absolutists toward you and me, but only resort to relativism when it comes to justifying their own behavior.
Jesus Christ, though incarnated as human, submitted himself perfectly to God's divine law, through which he resisted the temptations of the great Tempter, lived a sinless life, and at the precipice of death, declared "Not my will, but Yours be done." He was the one unhypocritical man, and He lived this sinless life and submitted to death in service to the glory of God and redemption of the self-righteous hypocrites (including you and me) who nailed Him to the cross. His was the very opposite of a self-serving morality, for He came as a servant.
May more bow the knee to the Servant-King of this world, rather than to their own self-interests (Phil. 2).
I hope this soldier marries his girlfriend and displays a selflessness that hitherto has not been his M.O. But if his exploitative morality is brought into that marriage, then his poor girlfriend would be merely a means to his personal, pleasurable end. If they do not get married, I hope the next boyfriend would not display the same condemning approach toward past indiscretions and exploiting approach toward the present. I hope he would approach the gal with a redemptive heart, seeking to secure her in an unconditional love in light of the cross, where Jesus bore God's just condemnation so we might live in the light of His grace.
And may God has mercy on His bride, the Church, where we are increasingly tempted to replace the "right" hypocrisy (version 1) for the wrong one (version 2), and make ourselves self-righteous kings of morality rather than humble ambassadors for the rightful King (2 Cor. 5).
25.9.13
God's Gracious Providence
My wife recently penned (on a keyboard) this simple, yet profound, piece on God's gracious providence for her amid our current calling: http://www.haventoday.org/all-about-jesus-blog/how-is-lord-helping-you-55.html
It of course brings comfort to me to know that my wife is faring so well by God's grace. Soldier often ask me how my wife is doing? It is difficult for me to know how to respond. Circumstantially, she is having a rough go of it. It is very hard to be a single mother, even with a wonderful support network. It is hard to know your husband is deployed and is out of your (supposed) ability to help.
But providentially, she is doing wonderful. I have noticed greater growth in her (as evidenced by the post above) than at any point since when we were dating (at least in terms of rapidity). Through her various ordeals--economic uncertainty, future unknowns, ministry challenges, a scary surgery, having a baby, and now deployment--she has become the women that she admired so much as a baby Christian. She is wise, patience, long-suffering, and compassionate. God is surely gracious.
And in that vein, as I was sorting weapons out in the sun yesterday morning, I began to reflect upon God's gracious providence to me and my wife over the past couple of years.
Less than four years ago, I wasn't sure I'd pursue the ministry (as opposed to elected politics), let alone know which denomination would be ideal for that pursuit. I was working long hours that often kept me from my wife in our first year of marriage, making money that was not sufficient to support us. And the Army life I loved and craved seemed withheld from me.The fears of failure and the shadow of depression began to descend over me. I was perpetually crabby and irritable, and often found myself having a hard time sharing my feelings with my wife.
Now, such a response was not in the least acceptable. God need never appease me with His providence, but I am to entrust myself to the Savior who appeased His wrath for my sake. Our call is to follow our faithful God, regardless of our cirumstances and perceptions of His providence.
At the same time, my wife was experiencing great frustration. Her prestigious (and low-paying) editorial job in Seattle was left behind for the promise of greater success in DC. But with the recession, she was working brutal early morning shifts at Starbucks in DC while I lost the evenings to the bookstore. She seemed frozen out of the profession she loved and was finely gifted for. The anxiety that marked much of her adolescence became much harder to control.
Although I am naturally an optimist, I began to share in my wife's concerns about the future in those years. I would make overly-cheery assurances regarding the future, but my trust in God's providence began to erode. I allowed my eyes to shift from the grace and glory of my God and was a much weaker husband, leader, and servant to my wife as a result. I could not picture what I now enjoy today.
God has granted us both grace upon grace in our walk with Him. He has humbled us and taught us through our difficult experiences. He enabled my wife to enjoy the editorial life again, where she thrived. He placed me with an Army unit, guided me to the right denomination--and all three of these things in the same month (April, '10). He called me to ministry through this denomination to both my soldiers and my dear church family.
He gave me my heart's desire to serve soldiers in a theater of war, as well as finally become the primary bread-winner, at the same time that He enabled us to buy a house and keep my wife at home as the all-star stay-at-home-mom that I knew she always would be. Our greatest gift, aside from life to the full in Jesus Christ, came with the birth of our precious boy (whose name means "God has appointed").
And on a random sunny morning in a barren country on the other side of the world from my family, I find myself content. Where most people would see the struggle of it all (and I most certainly feel the struggle!), I see the grace of God in Christ. I can be content in a theater of war, because I know that I am right in the center of God's gracious providence. I have often doubted my God's goodness and struggled to enjoy Him. Compared to that, where is the sting of a deployment?
It of course brings comfort to me to know that my wife is faring so well by God's grace. Soldier often ask me how my wife is doing? It is difficult for me to know how to respond. Circumstantially, she is having a rough go of it. It is very hard to be a single mother, even with a wonderful support network. It is hard to know your husband is deployed and is out of your (supposed) ability to help.
But providentially, she is doing wonderful. I have noticed greater growth in her (as evidenced by the post above) than at any point since when we were dating (at least in terms of rapidity). Through her various ordeals--economic uncertainty, future unknowns, ministry challenges, a scary surgery, having a baby, and now deployment--she has become the women that she admired so much as a baby Christian. She is wise, patience, long-suffering, and compassionate. God is surely gracious.
And in that vein, as I was sorting weapons out in the sun yesterday morning, I began to reflect upon God's gracious providence to me and my wife over the past couple of years.
Less than four years ago, I wasn't sure I'd pursue the ministry (as opposed to elected politics), let alone know which denomination would be ideal for that pursuit. I was working long hours that often kept me from my wife in our first year of marriage, making money that was not sufficient to support us. And the Army life I loved and craved seemed withheld from me.The fears of failure and the shadow of depression began to descend over me. I was perpetually crabby and irritable, and often found myself having a hard time sharing my feelings with my wife.
Now, such a response was not in the least acceptable. God need never appease me with His providence, but I am to entrust myself to the Savior who appeased His wrath for my sake. Our call is to follow our faithful God, regardless of our cirumstances and perceptions of His providence.
At the same time, my wife was experiencing great frustration. Her prestigious (and low-paying) editorial job in Seattle was left behind for the promise of greater success in DC. But with the recession, she was working brutal early morning shifts at Starbucks in DC while I lost the evenings to the bookstore. She seemed frozen out of the profession she loved and was finely gifted for. The anxiety that marked much of her adolescence became much harder to control.
Although I am naturally an optimist, I began to share in my wife's concerns about the future in those years. I would make overly-cheery assurances regarding the future, but my trust in God's providence began to erode. I allowed my eyes to shift from the grace and glory of my God and was a much weaker husband, leader, and servant to my wife as a result. I could not picture what I now enjoy today.
God has granted us both grace upon grace in our walk with Him. He has humbled us and taught us through our difficult experiences. He enabled my wife to enjoy the editorial life again, where she thrived. He placed me with an Army unit, guided me to the right denomination--and all three of these things in the same month (April, '10). He called me to ministry through this denomination to both my soldiers and my dear church family.
He gave me my heart's desire to serve soldiers in a theater of war, as well as finally become the primary bread-winner, at the same time that He enabled us to buy a house and keep my wife at home as the all-star stay-at-home-mom that I knew she always would be. Our greatest gift, aside from life to the full in Jesus Christ, came with the birth of our precious boy (whose name means "God has appointed").
And on a random sunny morning in a barren country on the other side of the world from my family, I find myself content. Where most people would see the struggle of it all (and I most certainly feel the struggle!), I see the grace of God in Christ. I can be content in a theater of war, because I know that I am right in the center of God's gracious providence. I have often doubted my God's goodness and struggled to enjoy Him. Compared to that, where is the sting of a deployment?
Getting My Hands Dirty
I went with one of my teams to their site yesterday and got to meet some of our Afghan counterparts.
I also got to share in their labors. I spent the morning out in the sun, unpacking crates of greasy weapons and reading off registration numbers for my chaplain assistant to log to make sure we were tracking all of them. I understand better why our guys often come back so tired. The team was grateful for two extra sets of hands (increased their output for the day), and while this labor was not chaplain-specific or necessary for me to partake in, it builds my credibility with the soldiers and enables me to spend time with them in the work they are here to do.
Most of our teams include our Aussie and Canadian friends. I enjoyed working alongside two of the Canadian soldiers yesterday. One of them is an avid rock-climber and student. Since he has arrived, he has mastered portions of the Dari language, enabling him to engage in conversation with our Afghan friends and endearing himself to them. (The two best things you can do to engage a culture and love a people is to learn their language and share meals with them in their homes.)
The other Canadian has an ever-growing hankering for McDonalds. I understand entirely. God bless the golden arches. There was often nothing I craved more after trip to Malawi than a basic hamburger from McDs. I know they're not real burgers, but that is part of why I enjoy them. If I want a real burger, I'll grill one. If I want patty on a greased-up, compressed bun, with just a bit of ketchup and mustard, a sprinkling of diced onions, and my favorite part--two pickle slices--then I'll go to McDs. The Canadians told me that I should do food infomercials (I tried explaining the joy of sushi to them and the beautiful burn of the wasabi experience.)
As with most of our Afghan counterparts, these men were hard-working and friendly. One comedian from their group, knowing that we couldn't understand each other's languages, shared with us the gift of humor. He flicked my dog tags through my shirt and made a clicking sound with his tongue that sounded like breaking glass (pretty cool). He saved the worst for one of my Canadian friends. He seemed to be curiously thumbing his dog tag, causing the Canadian to look down, at which point the Afghan employed the ol' childhood trick and flicked the Canadian's nose. Oh, and this Afghan could throw a stone 30-50% further than our biggest coalition soldiers. Probably spent more time practicing that skill growing up than we did!
In many ways, as I have told other soldiers, there are similarities between this country and Malawi--from the arid, wind-swept landscape to the smell of wood fires to the general friendliness and hospitality of many of the people. The key difference is that for every nine or so people who love you, there is probably one who wants to kill you. That, of course, is what keeps me from hiking into villages as I did in Malawi. It is what keeps our soldiers vigilant, delicately balancing the bonds of trust necessary for advising with the reality that there is always a minor risk of danger. May God give our soldiers wisdom in maintaining that balance!
I also got to share in their labors. I spent the morning out in the sun, unpacking crates of greasy weapons and reading off registration numbers for my chaplain assistant to log to make sure we were tracking all of them. I understand better why our guys often come back so tired. The team was grateful for two extra sets of hands (increased their output for the day), and while this labor was not chaplain-specific or necessary for me to partake in, it builds my credibility with the soldiers and enables me to spend time with them in the work they are here to do.
Most of our teams include our Aussie and Canadian friends. I enjoyed working alongside two of the Canadian soldiers yesterday. One of them is an avid rock-climber and student. Since he has arrived, he has mastered portions of the Dari language, enabling him to engage in conversation with our Afghan friends and endearing himself to them. (The two best things you can do to engage a culture and love a people is to learn their language and share meals with them in their homes.)
The other Canadian has an ever-growing hankering for McDonalds. I understand entirely. God bless the golden arches. There was often nothing I craved more after trip to Malawi than a basic hamburger from McDs. I know they're not real burgers, but that is part of why I enjoy them. If I want a real burger, I'll grill one. If I want patty on a greased-up, compressed bun, with just a bit of ketchup and mustard, a sprinkling of diced onions, and my favorite part--two pickle slices--then I'll go to McDs. The Canadians told me that I should do food infomercials (I tried explaining the joy of sushi to them and the beautiful burn of the wasabi experience.)
As with most of our Afghan counterparts, these men were hard-working and friendly. One comedian from their group, knowing that we couldn't understand each other's languages, shared with us the gift of humor. He flicked my dog tags through my shirt and made a clicking sound with his tongue that sounded like breaking glass (pretty cool). He saved the worst for one of my Canadian friends. He seemed to be curiously thumbing his dog tag, causing the Canadian to look down, at which point the Afghan employed the ol' childhood trick and flicked the Canadian's nose. Oh, and this Afghan could throw a stone 30-50% further than our biggest coalition soldiers. Probably spent more time practicing that skill growing up than we did!
In many ways, as I have told other soldiers, there are similarities between this country and Malawi--from the arid, wind-swept landscape to the smell of wood fires to the general friendliness and hospitality of many of the people. The key difference is that for every nine or so people who love you, there is probably one who wants to kill you. That, of course, is what keeps me from hiking into villages as I did in Malawi. It is what keeps our soldiers vigilant, delicately balancing the bonds of trust necessary for advising with the reality that there is always a minor risk of danger. May God give our soldiers wisdom in maintaining that balance!
23.9.13
My Boy!
When the lil' boy turned four months old about a month ago, the lil' wifey decided to take some pictures of him. I have decided to keep the pictures in sequence and taken out the wifey's colorful commentary to let the pictures speak for themselves. Is he his father's son? All I know is when I get back over yonder, we gonna have some powerful fun!
22.9.13
Reflecting on Phase 1
It would seem that my deployment is being broken up into approximately two month phases--the first was my mobilization down in TX, and the second was at my first post here in country.
(As an aside, this doesn't include the two month phase between learning of my deployment and leaving VA--a phase that included settling in a new house, welcoming a new baby, and comforting my little wifey through a lot of meaningful tears.)
At our mob site in TX, I began with my normal array of insecurities about my role: I don't know what I'm doing, I am a weak staff officer, I remain ignorant of many Army customs, etc. One of the things I have always been strong at is just being a friend to soldiers. I had lunch with the head of my endorsing agency, the retired head of the Army Reserve chaplain, not long before my departure, and he gave me very encouraging words: You are a good staff officer if you take care of soldiers.
At times during our mob, I felt my insecurities confirmed. I sometimes felt lost and didn't know quite what to do with my time. I dropped the ball of a couple of implied commands, and of course, got that counseling statement. Over the course of a couple weeks, I was told several times by my commander that I was good with soldiers, but not a very good staff officer. At the same time, he noted my desire to improve and praised my growth (I really admire our commander).
Yet it was during that first phase that God began to strengthen me in new ways for this role. Perhaps it came with the painful realization that my primary struggle was spiritual--with a fear of man, a lack of trust in God, and a refusal to cherish my identity in Christ. In any case, much of my insecurity and its accompanying pride was stripped away.
And by His grace, I am now a better soldier and chaplain. More important, I cling more tightly to my identity in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). Praise be to my gracious God and Father in Heaven.
(As an aside, this doesn't include the two month phase between learning of my deployment and leaving VA--a phase that included settling in a new house, welcoming a new baby, and comforting my little wifey through a lot of meaningful tears.)
At our mob site in TX, I began with my normal array of insecurities about my role: I don't know what I'm doing, I am a weak staff officer, I remain ignorant of many Army customs, etc. One of the things I have always been strong at is just being a friend to soldiers. I had lunch with the head of my endorsing agency, the retired head of the Army Reserve chaplain, not long before my departure, and he gave me very encouraging words: You are a good staff officer if you take care of soldiers.
At times during our mob, I felt my insecurities confirmed. I sometimes felt lost and didn't know quite what to do with my time. I dropped the ball of a couple of implied commands, and of course, got that counseling statement. Over the course of a couple weeks, I was told several times by my commander that I was good with soldiers, but not a very good staff officer. At the same time, he noted my desire to improve and praised my growth (I really admire our commander).
Yet it was during that first phase that God began to strengthen me in new ways for this role. Perhaps it came with the painful realization that my primary struggle was spiritual--with a fear of man, a lack of trust in God, and a refusal to cherish my identity in Christ. In any case, much of my insecurity and its accompanying pride was stripped away.
And by His grace, I am now a better soldier and chaplain. More important, I cling more tightly to my identity in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). Praise be to my gracious God and Father in Heaven.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)