Years ago, on my second trip to Malawi, I was alone at a remote guesthouse when I learned that my grandma has collapsed in a garden and might not live. For a brief moment, I resented my distance and yearned to be back home where I could feign a degree of control. Yet, that's all it would be--feigning control. I quickly found comfort in my distance, accepting that God was teaching me through geography what I should be always learning anyway--my complete dependence upon Him.
In recent days, amid a constantly moving and changing schedule, I have counseled a number of soldiers on family issues. For various reasons, as might be expected, some of these soldiers' families are having a very difficult time. The hardest part of these ordeals is that my soldiers have control over very little of whatever afflicts their families. This helplessness gives way to anguish and anger, but it also provides an opportunity: To entrust one's loved ones to the all-powerful hand of the Almighty. Even if not rendered helpless as in the present situation, this is ultimately our hope--that an infinitely more loving and powerful God can exert a level of care that we cannot possibly match. And we must first entrust ourselves to that gracious hand.
In that vein, my friends, I ask for your prayers. I readily acknowledge my helplessness, but helplessness has a logical resting place--before the throne of grace in prayer. My helplessness drives me to my Father, and my faith in Christ gives me confidence as I approach His throne, knowing that I am washed in the blood of Jesus and dressed in His righteousness. That said, my helplessness has not recently found that resting place. I fall into bed late each night, quickly fall asleep, and sleep in until the last possible moment in the morning. My marginal moments at the beginning and end of the day are restless transitions into and out of sleep. Pray that from the sun's rising to its setting, I would find my resting place in Christ through prayer.
22.6.13
19.6.13
Random Tips for Young Couples
Greetings, Friends.
Of the frequent counseling I do with soldiers, the most common theme is relationships. Due to are oversized Midwest contingent (mostly from Ohio), there is a higher percentage of married soldiers that I am used to. Yet the norm, especially in the Army, is that a given soldier has grown up in a broken home and now resides in a broken home. As a couple of black soldiers told me today when I asked them about their relationship situations--"Sir, you know no black people are married when they kids." That's not totally true--some 30% of black children are still born in wedlock, but that's an aside. The key takeaway is that broken relationships are a significant problem--morally, culturally, and psychologically (as most Army suicides are due to relationship failure).
All that said, here are a few random tips for young couples entertaining thoughts of marriage:
1) Make your relationship conversationally-based. This means that before you go to the movie or the club, you should go out to dinner or out for coffee. The focus should be on learning more about each other. Most important issues to hit: family, personal development, spiritual beliefs and moral standards, previous relationships, ambitions, strengths and weaknesses in character.
2) Establish boundaries right away. There is no time to lose. While it would be tacky to have a document in hand for your potential bf/gf, it should not be too far from the truth. Your standards should be discussed before things get serious (though it will be awkward), rather than when they get serious. Principles must govern the relationship from the outset. In addition, if both parties have different standards (and they shouldn't be too different), always give absolute deference to the stricter standard.
3) Ask for help immediately and always. As soon as you start dating someone, find a mentor in a really solid relationship and ask them for continuous wisdom and accountability. In addition, start reading some books on healthy relationships (and Scripture). If, God-willing, you become engaged, aim to do at least these three things: meet consistently with a mentor couple, meet consistently with a marriage counselor, and read books on marriage together. If, God-willing, you get married, arrange monthly or bi-monthly "check-ups" with a marriage counselor to get another set of eyes on your various patterns, difficulties, etc.
4) Keep all components of a relationship level with one another. Our spiritual, emotional, and physical bonds should all progress in one accord. Otherwise, a relationship gets lopsided and standards become more easily compromised. In other words, intimacy in one category will often lead to intimacy in another. In a sense, I think it is possible to be spiritually or emotionally promiscuous in a way that will harm your relationship (or future relationships). My own preference is that one doesn't drop the L-word until ring shopping has already commenced. And one should not take it to the "next level" physically unless they do so emotionally and spiritually--and with regard to all of these, this next level is the level of marriage, which binds them all together for a lifetime.
5) Play it safe. It is easy to become arrogant if you have strict moral standards. It is easy to declare that you will never compromise those standards, but that arrogance often gives rise to lapses in wisdom. In your pride, you enter a pressure-situation where the clear lines of moral standards evaporate into fog. You soon become another example of "how the mighty have fallen." In humility, set rules for yourself and your relationship from the outset that keep your out of dangerous scenarios. For example, Lindsey and I made it a rule not to hang out in private. We kept our dates outdoors, or only brought them into a house if there were others present.
6) Avoid relationship-killing attitudes and words. I went on a rant against the "D-bomb" yesterday, but there are other poisonous words and attitudes. For example, if someone says "I don't need help," they are in essence saying "My relationship is not worth the sacrifice of my pride." Those who refuse to get help are those who refuse to do what it takes. Also, generalizations. "He/she always does this..." or "This is just the way he/she is..." These generalizations form negative pictures of your significant other in your mind that poison your view of that person and traps them in a box that they cannot escape from.
7) Hone in on "family-of-origin" issues. The most destructive baggage we bring into relationships are psychological habits, ingrained expectations, and perhaps unhealthy relationships from our previous families. These FOO issues are often the most insidious, potent, and neglected factors and relationship failures. One of the great things about counselors is that they often help you unearth these various pieces of baggage and sort through them.
Ultimately, our relationships must be grounded in and consecrated in service to Jesus Christ. If we take the daily posture of "I am a sinner in need of grace," we are setting ourselves up for success. Our sin will hurt our relationships and at times, be painfully exposed. We must expect that and humbly prepare ourselves for such eventualities. At the same time, we are called in marriage to love one another unconditionally, and that unconditional love means that grace is always extended toward the sinner. That grace, in light of our most destructive impulses, gives us safety and security to grow and reminds that those who are found in Christ need never fear being lost once more.
Of the frequent counseling I do with soldiers, the most common theme is relationships. Due to are oversized Midwest contingent (mostly from Ohio), there is a higher percentage of married soldiers that I am used to. Yet the norm, especially in the Army, is that a given soldier has grown up in a broken home and now resides in a broken home. As a couple of black soldiers told me today when I asked them about their relationship situations--"Sir, you know no black people are married when they kids." That's not totally true--some 30% of black children are still born in wedlock, but that's an aside. The key takeaway is that broken relationships are a significant problem--morally, culturally, and psychologically (as most Army suicides are due to relationship failure).
All that said, here are a few random tips for young couples entertaining thoughts of marriage:
1) Make your relationship conversationally-based. This means that before you go to the movie or the club, you should go out to dinner or out for coffee. The focus should be on learning more about each other. Most important issues to hit: family, personal development, spiritual beliefs and moral standards, previous relationships, ambitions, strengths and weaknesses in character.
2) Establish boundaries right away. There is no time to lose. While it would be tacky to have a document in hand for your potential bf/gf, it should not be too far from the truth. Your standards should be discussed before things get serious (though it will be awkward), rather than when they get serious. Principles must govern the relationship from the outset. In addition, if both parties have different standards (and they shouldn't be too different), always give absolute deference to the stricter standard.
3) Ask for help immediately and always. As soon as you start dating someone, find a mentor in a really solid relationship and ask them for continuous wisdom and accountability. In addition, start reading some books on healthy relationships (and Scripture). If, God-willing, you become engaged, aim to do at least these three things: meet consistently with a mentor couple, meet consistently with a marriage counselor, and read books on marriage together. If, God-willing, you get married, arrange monthly or bi-monthly "check-ups" with a marriage counselor to get another set of eyes on your various patterns, difficulties, etc.
4) Keep all components of a relationship level with one another. Our spiritual, emotional, and physical bonds should all progress in one accord. Otherwise, a relationship gets lopsided and standards become more easily compromised. In other words, intimacy in one category will often lead to intimacy in another. In a sense, I think it is possible to be spiritually or emotionally promiscuous in a way that will harm your relationship (or future relationships). My own preference is that one doesn't drop the L-word until ring shopping has already commenced. And one should not take it to the "next level" physically unless they do so emotionally and spiritually--and with regard to all of these, this next level is the level of marriage, which binds them all together for a lifetime.
5) Play it safe. It is easy to become arrogant if you have strict moral standards. It is easy to declare that you will never compromise those standards, but that arrogance often gives rise to lapses in wisdom. In your pride, you enter a pressure-situation where the clear lines of moral standards evaporate into fog. You soon become another example of "how the mighty have fallen." In humility, set rules for yourself and your relationship from the outset that keep your out of dangerous scenarios. For example, Lindsey and I made it a rule not to hang out in private. We kept our dates outdoors, or only brought them into a house if there were others present.
6) Avoid relationship-killing attitudes and words. I went on a rant against the "D-bomb" yesterday, but there are other poisonous words and attitudes. For example, if someone says "I don't need help," they are in essence saying "My relationship is not worth the sacrifice of my pride." Those who refuse to get help are those who refuse to do what it takes. Also, generalizations. "He/she always does this..." or "This is just the way he/she is..." These generalizations form negative pictures of your significant other in your mind that poison your view of that person and traps them in a box that they cannot escape from.
7) Hone in on "family-of-origin" issues. The most destructive baggage we bring into relationships are psychological habits, ingrained expectations, and perhaps unhealthy relationships from our previous families. These FOO issues are often the most insidious, potent, and neglected factors and relationship failures. One of the great things about counselors is that they often help you unearth these various pieces of baggage and sort through them.
Ultimately, our relationships must be grounded in and consecrated in service to Jesus Christ. If we take the daily posture of "I am a sinner in need of grace," we are setting ourselves up for success. Our sin will hurt our relationships and at times, be painfully exposed. We must expect that and humbly prepare ourselves for such eventualities. At the same time, we are called in marriage to love one another unconditionally, and that unconditional love means that grace is always extended toward the sinner. That grace, in light of our most destructive impulses, gives us safety and security to grow and reminds that those who are found in Christ need never fear being lost once more.
18.6.13
The Doomsday Device or How I Learned to Hate the D-Bomb
I have a hard time with marriage counseling. There is often loads of selfishness, rampant finger-pointing, pettiness, and cruelty. Yet there is one below-the-belt device that supercedes all others and makes a marriage conflict "go nuclear": the D-bomb.
You can cuss at your spouse (though you most certainly shouldn't) and it would not have the devastating impact of mentioning the term "divorce." It doesn't matter what the context is, how it is employed, or what supposed justification there is for it--you must avoid going nuclear at all costs.
I know of one soldier who is having a horrible time with his wife in his young marriage. It seems like he is much more eager to work past their problems than she is, and that he is willing to receive outside help, while she is not (which is usually the kiss of death upon a marriage). The problem is that, as she was berating him recently, he blurted out something along the lines of "If you'd like a divorce, I'll do it, because I just want you to be happy."
Sounds kind and loving, but is really cruel and devastating. Our words are a reflection of our thoughts, and in turn, often become our deeds. By using the term, this soldier displayed his deeper thoughts and showed that an unacceptable option was on the table. It doesn't matter how he put it, his wife now knows that his bond of love and commitment is not unbreakable, as long as she is the one to push the red button.
We must never, ever use that term--not as a matter of rigorous rule-keeping, but as a matter of wisdom and love. To use the term is to tell the one who relies upon our unconditional love that our love is, in fact, conditional in some part. The trust and security and vulnerability found in the bond of unconditional love is immediately forfeited and can only be rebuilt with great effort.
Jesus has told His sheep that no one can snatch them from His hand (John 10) and Paul later instructs us by God's Spirit that "nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8). In that absolute assurance and security, believers have the freedom to live life and face death without fear. It must be the undeterred goal of the spouse to reflect that love and grant the same assurance and security to a marriage, even at great sacrifice. For Christ, when called upon to seal this bond of unconditional love between God and His people, did so with the shedding of His own blood.
You can cuss at your spouse (though you most certainly shouldn't) and it would not have the devastating impact of mentioning the term "divorce." It doesn't matter what the context is, how it is employed, or what supposed justification there is for it--you must avoid going nuclear at all costs.
I know of one soldier who is having a horrible time with his wife in his young marriage. It seems like he is much more eager to work past their problems than she is, and that he is willing to receive outside help, while she is not (which is usually the kiss of death upon a marriage). The problem is that, as she was berating him recently, he blurted out something along the lines of "If you'd like a divorce, I'll do it, because I just want you to be happy."
Sounds kind and loving, but is really cruel and devastating. Our words are a reflection of our thoughts, and in turn, often become our deeds. By using the term, this soldier displayed his deeper thoughts and showed that an unacceptable option was on the table. It doesn't matter how he put it, his wife now knows that his bond of love and commitment is not unbreakable, as long as she is the one to push the red button.
We must never, ever use that term--not as a matter of rigorous rule-keeping, but as a matter of wisdom and love. To use the term is to tell the one who relies upon our unconditional love that our love is, in fact, conditional in some part. The trust and security and vulnerability found in the bond of unconditional love is immediately forfeited and can only be rebuilt with great effort.
Jesus has told His sheep that no one can snatch them from His hand (John 10) and Paul later instructs us by God's Spirit that "nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8). In that absolute assurance and security, believers have the freedom to live life and face death without fear. It must be the undeterred goal of the spouse to reflect that love and grant the same assurance and security to a marriage, even at great sacrifice. For Christ, when called upon to seal this bond of unconditional love between God and His people, did so with the shedding of His own blood.
16.6.13
A Christ-Based Unity
One of the things I wonder at in the military is the opportunity I have to join in a Christ-based unity with believers of other backgrounds--whether they be racial or denominational. For example, I currently minister alongside a black, Baptist chaplain (and friend) and now Puerto Rican Methodist chaplain. Both are evangelical believers who desire to see God glorified and preach Christ crucified.
After the service I led this morning, two soldiers--one African and the other Hispanic, came up to me and asked for prayer for a fellow soldier who lost his 21 year old son in a car accident last night. A very diverse group of us gathered together in my office and prayed for this broken dad. In all of these things, I appreciate the foretaste of Heaven, when believers from every tribe and tongue and nation will gather around the throne of Christ.
Of course, we must always beware those false unities made in the name of Christ but really under the banner of compromise and multi-culturalism. The throne of Christ is the orientation point of unity for believers of different backgrounds today, as it will be in eternity. Attempts to coerce such a unity in any other guise, or by watering down one's beliefs, are antithetical to the true unity that comes in Christ.
After the service I led this morning, two soldiers--one African and the other Hispanic, came up to me and asked for prayer for a fellow soldier who lost his 21 year old son in a car accident last night. A very diverse group of us gathered together in my office and prayed for this broken dad. In all of these things, I appreciate the foretaste of Heaven, when believers from every tribe and tongue and nation will gather around the throne of Christ.
Of course, we must always beware those false unities made in the name of Christ but really under the banner of compromise and multi-culturalism. The throne of Christ is the orientation point of unity for believers of different backgrounds today, as it will be in eternity. Attempts to coerce such a unity in any other guise, or by watering down one's beliefs, are antithetical to the true unity that comes in Christ.
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