I Serve in War Because I Lost a War

For years, I had been thoroughly depressed and erratically angry. My soul screamed under the weight of a broken world and broken life. And I was helpless to do anything about it. I would cut at my wrists to the point of breaking the skin, but I was too young to go through with it.

God existed, in my view, but only to torment me. He said "Here, have a family...but never be safe." And "Here, have a church...but never be accepted." Also, "Here, have a heart and mind...but they will be warped beyond recognition." Everytime I thought the circumstances were bound to change, they would plunge me into a helpless misery once more.

At a sweaty summer camp, in that summer before high school, the challenge was posed to me as it had been for several summers previous: Will you relinquish your life to the Lord? I fought it. My identity as an outsider gave me power--something to hold on to. Many still thought of me as an outsider. Why would I join their ranks? But at the end of that camp, when given an opportunity to go off on my own with two sticks and decide whether or not to align them in the shape of a cross, signifying my submission, I began to break. "Screw it," I thought with tears in my eyes, "I can't fight anymore."

What I inwardly confessed at that camp became a fully-orbed reality later in the summer on the DC to Nags Head bike trip. I called home from Jamestown and told my parents that something was different. Brokenness no longer defined my life. It was the gateway to regaining my life. The words were tattooed upon my heart: "I am a great sinner and I have a great Savior."

I started to read the Bible and pray every night. I started with the book of Revelation, and though I largely couldn't understand it, I loved it. On the first day of high school, when a popular kid jerked his shoulders at me as if to fight me, I told him "That is not me anymore, man. I'm different."

Later that Fall, I went on a church youth retreat. For the first time, I started absorbing everything that was being said. And in my free time, while others were hitting the arcade, I opened up the Bible to the book of Romans for the first time since my eyes and heart were opened to the truth. I had sung some of the verses from that book in church musicals as a kid, but for the first time, the music of God's grace truly played upon my heart.

Even in college, I called myself a "young Christian" with pride, knowing that God's work upon my broken heart was still in the infant stages. But I can no longer claim that label. I have now lived over my half of my life since then. I am a 30 year old husband and father, a pastor and an Army chaplain. Today, I was awarded my combat patch. Tomorrow, I will preach and lead a chapel.

And beyond all of these things, one fundamental truth still abides. A truth that brought meaning to the brokenness and projected my life in an inevitable upward trajectory: I am a great sinner and I have a great Savior.

Drool Baby

As much as one can get used to life in a (at least temporarily) quiet theater of war, there is always that faint desire for home. A desire to trade in the decent food at a mass dining facility for the simple pleasures of cooking at home. A desire to trade in a relatively comfortable sleeping bag on a mattress for a queen sized bed at home. A desire to trade in a few wonderful soldiers for a mini-wife and a baby! :)

As I was writing, my activist friend walked by and said "You look like you've settled in--like you really enjoy what you're doing." I cannot deny that this work invigorates me.

Now for what you all have been waiting for: The one, the only...Drool Baby!

A Young Christian's Reading List

So you're a new or young-ish Christian and you're wondering "Where do I go from here?"

There are several patterns you'll want to establish:
1) Attend your church's worship service each week, and if it has two, then go to both!
2) Make prayer a daily part of your life--in deep meditation or constant breath prayers (or both!)
3) Gather with fellow believers at times other than the worship service for fellowship.
4) Find an older/more mature believer who will mentor you.
5) Find opportunities to serve and share the Gospel with unbelievers.

The first two are absolutely vital for a healthy walk; the latter three are still pretty essential.

Alongside of these things, you'll want your own avenues for personal study and growth. That is why I'd suggest the following for reading:

1) The Bible--This is God's inspired, inerrant, necessary, authoritative, perspicuous (clear), and sufficient Word to His people. It is true, beautiful, and powerful. God guides you in two ways in this world: internally by His Spirit and externally by His Word. You should meditate on His Word every day--at times simply reading large portions, at other points memorizing verses, and also using devotions to help structure your reading.

2) The Confessions of Faith--Just start reading a lot of the classics. Start with the ancient creeds (i.e., the Apostles Creed and Nicene Creed), and then work through the Reformation confessions, especially the Westminster Confession of Faith, Larger and Shorter Catechisms, Heidelberg Confession, Canons of Dort, and Belgic Confession. All of these "secondary standards" (secondary to the Bible, of course) have given the church throughout the ages a solid and visible unity, in essence saying "Here is what we believe the Scriptures to teach. Here we stand." In addition, the creeds and confessions help us better understand the faith and articulate it.

3) Systematic Theology--start off with one by J.I. Packer or R.C. Sproel and keep it around for reference. Whenever you are wondering about an issue, flip to the problem area and study up. Eventually, you may want to move onto the great historical systematic, Calvin's Institutes, or a great modern work, such as Michael Horton's Pilgrim Theology (easier) or The Christian Faith (harder).

4) Line-drawing Works--there are certain books that reach into modern culture and help us in the task of discerning truth from deceit. Some works by C.S. Lewis, like Mere Christianity, might be part of this list. My personal favorite is J. Gresham Machen's Christianity and Liberalism, which I think separates biblical Christianity from its conterfeits better than any other work. And this will help you to lovingly and thoughtfully engage those who will still claim the name Christian and will use the same terminology as you, but will use it deceptively (i.e., "I believe in Jesus...as a moral man.").

In general, you can never go wrong with popular works by Michael Horton, R.C. Sproul, John Stott, J.I. Packer, John Piper, Tim Keller, Sinclair Ferguson, Phillip Ryken and Kevin DeYoung.

A Young Woman's Discernment

...you are all partakers with me of grace, but in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the Gospel. (Ph. 1:7)

I talked with my young friend here the other day about how to handle sermons that don't rightly divide God's Word or proclaim Christ clearly (both mandates in the New Testament). She was very discouraged by what she was sometimes hearing from another chaplain. I encouraged this dear sister to focus--not on any falsehoods being taught--but on the truth that those falsehoods more clearly reveal and dwell on those.

She then wrote another person with the following thoughts, and I hope you are blessed by her ownership of this principle (and excellent presentation of the Gospel). Students and youth, please notice the following: (1) Her attention to what was being said (not creating a strawman or misrepresenting what was said), (2) Her general avoidance of critiquing the person, (3) Her critical engagement and interaction with what was said, (4) Her time spent on the positive alternative as opposed to the critique, and (5) Her tone toward the gentleman she is addressing.

I was talking to a godly friend afterward about this and he helped me to see that you can take a bad sermon and still be encouraged by critiquing it and reminding yourself of what is true.  So, I practiced last night, giving me notes, not so much on what he said, but on what is true.  So here goes!

What is the dual of this sermon? (Sorry, duel is an ORSA term.  It means the opposite view.)

He speaks of the gospel, but never defines it.  What is the gospel?  God is the Creator of all things, and as such, He is the King.  We all owe everything to Him.  But, we wanted to be King and so we rejected God, rebelling against His rule.  God, being holy, had no other option but to crush this rebellion and pour His righteous wrath out on our sin.  He would have been just to obliterate us.  But, He did not do this.  He sent His perfect and beloved Son to become sin for us and He crushed His Son in our place.  Now, we can not only be reconciled to our King as His subjects once more, but we can be adopted into His family as His beloved children.  Never do we need to question His love and acceptance.  The only thing we have to do to receive this is to respond in faith and repentance to what He has already done.  And amazingly, these are not our own actions, but are also a gift from God.  Now our future is sweet, intimate relationship with God now and even more fully when we see Him face to face for all eternity.

CH (name omitted) stated that our choices define us.  This is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER true!!!!  If this were true, we would be in Hell.  But praise be to God that HE CHOSE US!!!!!  We are defined by the fact that we are in Christ.  There our identity will forever rest in Jesus' finished work on the cross, where He took our record of sin and gave us His record of perfect obedience.

CH (name omitted) stated that John the Baptist was worried that with him being in prison, the gospel would not be preached and people would not be taken care of.  Also, that Jesus declared he was taking care of the poor, healing the sick because that was His mission.  So terribly false!  John did not preach the gospel.  He preached repentance in preparation for Jesus' coming.  The gospel had not happened yet.  Praise God that John's message was not continued, but graduated into the gospel!  Jesus responded to John by quoting Isaiah.  He was healing the sick and preaching good news to the poor.  But not just for the sake of making people happier here.  It was a sign that He was the Messiah and had come to fulfill all the promises that God had given regarding salvation.  We are not saved from social problems and sickness, we are saved from our sin and the terrible judgment that our sin has earned!

So, plenty to rejoice in!  It takes more work to rejoice in a (name omitted) sermon, but please, I beg you, don't let him lull you to sleep with his passionate preaching of fluff.  Pursue truth and strengthen your grasp of the gospel.  Nothing else will satisfy you and sustain you.  There are glorious things awaiting us in Heaven, don't settle for any less!

Ok, rant over.  Thank you for listening!  This is really important to me!

Clinging to the cross,

(Name Omitted)

Two Heartbeats

Tuesdays will generally be a more difficult day for me as they contain most of my arranged weekly counseling appointments. I hear stories that are heartbreaking. Instead of shirking away, by God's grace, I dive right in--carefully understanding issues and separating one issue from another, working to understand the thoughts and feelings behind these issues, fitting them within the larger pattern of one's life, and ultimately, working to hold these thoughts, feelings, events, and relationships before the light of the Gospel.

All that to say, as I'm working through my next sermon on Philippians (1:3-6), I have been convicted anew about the need for gratitude. I need not resolve every point of suffering or conquer every sin in order to be grateful. I simply need remember Christ's mercy (Rom. 12:1). I often think of attacking sin and suffering in order to attain gratitude. The reality is, gratitude is a mighty weapon in itself.

And on a tough day like this, I go back to gratitude. There is one worldly episode that, for me, will probably give me gratitude until the day I die. And the episode, unsurprisingly, was a very hard one.

I got a call from my wife one day this past November, and she was crying. A radiologist had X-rayed what appeared to be a meaningless cyst in her ovaries, but now looked to be cancerous and life-threatening. I encouraged her as best I could and told her to get home as soon as she could. As soon as she hung up, I broke down.

This was the worst possible news. There were no two people in this world I cared about more than my wife and my unborn baby. My wife is my best friend--my "meta-partner"--the one with whom I stand over the world. No matter what happens any given day, I can lie down next to her at the end of the night and sort it all out (and she can do the same with me). My baby was the object of my dreams--the one I had envisioned caring for from my childhood days. Now, both lives seemed threatened.

In addition, I am the man. I am the first line of defense and whatever threatens either my wife or my child must pass through me. And I will always be ready to give my life to protect them. Except, this time, I was helpless. I could only offer up my wife and child to the Lord and profess in practice what I have long professed in word.

My wife and I talked late into the night for much of the next couple of weeks. We reflected on God's grace to us--from life in Christ to the ways in which He blessed our dating, our engagement, and our marriage. We reflected on God's grace in the previous couple of months--our trip to Malawi, His care for our brother in a time of crisis, and the blessed gift of this pregnancy in the wake of all of that.

In considering God's grace, we grew in gratitude. And so, when we learned of our baby's sex during this time, we named him Seth, which means literally, "God has appointed." We would pray for mother and baby by name. And on the day of my wife's surgery, our gratitude gave way to hope in a future secured by God and we decided on the house that we would move into.

And as my precious wife was wheeled into the operating room, her prayers were transformed by God from desperate pleas into expressions of gratitude. Again, gratitude is a mighty weapon in itself.

Two heartbeats. That was the first thing my wife heard when she awoke from her surgery.

And now, as I do what I feel called to do and serve the Lord amidst so much brokenness and at times feel emptied by it, I think of my wife--my best friend--and my baby boy--the object of my dreams, and my heart is filled with gratitude. At least for the present season, God has granted my wife and boy more days in this vale of tears, along this pathway of hope. And I have been taught, through hardship, that my hope is not found in providing security to them, but in knowing that they belong body and soul, in life and death, to Jesus Christ our Lord.

Love and Betrayal

I counseled a soldier recently who has only been married a short time. Even at this early stage of deployment, both this soldier and his wife are finding it very difficult to trust one another. Why?

Well in part it likely has to do with a history they each have of betrayed love. This soldier grew up in a very broken home, where love--if it existed at all--was very much conditional. Both he and his wife have subsequently been in relationships where love have been suddenly and viciously betrayed. Over and over, they have each learned that love is not a secure place to live.

And this type of history, with its negative reinforcement of that learned false perception of reality, easily becomes incorporated into one's own feeling of self-worth. "I am not worthy of love." "I have to be careful, or else he/she might leave me." "I must grasp tighter to keep him/her from leaving."

I believe that at the core of most psychological brokenness today (aside from the pervasive reality of sin and its effects), is a fundamental mistrust of love rooted in experiences of a betrayal of love.

We live in a society where most people, especially the young, have been touched by the breakdown of the family structure and bonds of love that hold it together--whether it be in the form of divorce, abuse, adultery, or abandonment. The effects have been devastating. A child who is abused or watched a parent walk out the door tends to expect the same thing to happen again. A spouse who is cheated upon and/or divorced tends to expect the same thing to happen again.

Thus, you have a generation of young people who will engage in the physical pleasure of sex or the comfort of living together without the terrifying commitment of marriage. It is a lot easier to deal with the departure of a sex buddy or partner than the departure of a spouse. And why engage in that commitment when it will only dissolve with devastating effects anyway? Why not just enjoy the surface pleasures of life and avoid the inevitable tragedy?

Brokenness breeds brokenness and it is incredibly hard to arrest that pattern.

But it is possible. As I explained to this couple, our future is not determined by our past. In the case of this soldier, he has experienced all of the above from parents and former spouse. He has nothing but negative patterns before him. Or does he?

Psalm 27 tells us that "though parents may betray, the Lord will take me in." There is only one love out there that will never betray in any form. One love that is purely unconditional and can make us safe. One love that can take past wounds and tenderly heal them. That is the love of God through Jesus Christ our Lord.

This soldier (poignantly) told me that he simply wanted to love his wife like Christ loved the church and to cover her pain with new, positive experiences. A wonderful sentiment, but I told him that he can't do it. This calling upon husbands is as much a point of conviction--we can't love our wifes like Christ loved the church. It is also as much a point of comfort--Christ did sacrifice Himself to the point of death for the sake of the church.

As spouses, we are not mediators of grace. We cannot bind wounds. We cannot fortify with love and good deeds. We are reflectors of grace. In our sin, we work toward these things, knowing that ultimately, in our weakness, the blessed power of Christ is poured into wounds and made to fortify the heart by His Spirit. Only He can cover past sin and bring purpose to past suffering. Only He can cover those things with His own perfect life and grant us peace and eternal security.

The remedy for betrayed love is for forgiven-traitors like me to humbly point my wife to the cross.

And bound with unconditional love, with sin permanently forgiven, with will empowered by the Holy Spirit, I dedicate my life to reminding my wife in word and in deed of a love secured by the Father's love, the Son's atoning work, and the Spirit's sanctifying power.

The Problem of Authority

I was sitting with a fellow believer from the DC area in a coffee shop after chapel today (as is our custom). She has a fascinating story. Like the youth at Sterling Pres, she grew up in a homeschool family (as is a quickly growing minority of our country's youth). Like some of our youth, she then went to a local college (GMU), where she was naturally challenged on her beliefs. Then she took a weird turn, ended up as a military civilian at Ft. Belvoir and now has worked in this theater of war for several months. Quite a sharp turn from the security of a homeschool family! Soon, she will return home and will gratefully be re-united with her family.

The reason I bring this young woman up is because she planted an idea in my head today with regard to the matter of authority. You see, I often wrestle with how one is to raise their kids, especially with regard to education. I could produce a list of blessings and dangers attendant to any type of schooling: public, Christian, classical, homsechool, etc. I even drafted a post for this blog that, because of its length, was put on hold.

One struggle this young woman identified with her education and transition to adulthood was one I identified a few years ago: a misperception about the "other side." A danger found in the so-called "Christian culture" is that youth aren't often exposed to a great number of people or their ideas outside of that culture. They might learn about the ideas in the abstract. And they might learn about the people, but usually based on caricatures about those on the other side of the cultural divide.

These students then go off to college, where they find professors and students who have very disagreeable views, but are not in themselves very disagreeable. In fact, a good number of them are quite nice and thoughtful. This then punctures the stereotypes formed by these students, and they begin to question other beliefs with which they were raised. For homeschooled youth--this emphasizes the importance of engaging people outside of the church and being careful about forming mistaken and harmful stereotypes.

Another struggle that this young woman identified was new to me: The problem of authority. We presently live in a very anarchical (each person is his own boss) and egalitarian (everyone is equal to the point of there being no real authority) culture. The homeschool culture in particular stands strongly (and rightly) against this aspect of the culture. They are often taught to address adults as "Ma'am" and "Sir," and disrespect toward parents or authority figures is not tolerated. In fact, they are taught not only to be obedient, but to be obedient with joy in their hearts (again, right on!).

The curse that accompanies this blessing is found in the easy slide from respect for authority to easy embrace of teaching by those in authority. For example, when a child grows older, he/she begins to recognize that his/her parents are also sinners and their rules and instruction are not infallible. They still must show their parents utter respect, but their parents will likely grant them more freedom and input into various decision-making processes.

The rubber really hits the road with the authority problem when one of these students enters college. What happens when a professor is blatantly teaching deceit? Or even worse, what happens when a professor is working to indoctrinate a class with such deceit? Homeschoolers have been taught to strictly obey authority. Some have thankfully also learned discernment with regard to what they're taught. Few have been taught when and how to counter erroneous and insidious teaching in a strong and gracious manner. When do I challenge a teacher in class and how do I do so in a respectful manner? What do I do if/when I get graded down or even punished for respectful disagreement?

I had to learn many of these lessons the hard way, starting in high school, where one teacher in particular would teach grossly inaccurate things about the Christian faith, would mock me and impugn my character in front of the class, and gave me two weeks detention for "chewing gum in class" (I spit it out while the opening bell was ringing).

For homeschool youth, now is the time to start thinking about how to deal with authority when that authority is wrong or is maliciously wielded against you. And remember, it often won't be malicious. A large minority of folks who disagree with you will be remarkably civil. You must learn how to navigate these tensions now. And practice! Find your friends who disagree with you (or make those friends) and practice having those discussions. And realize now that though authority is ordained by God, it is not always a fount of truth. Ultimately, we are all accountable to God's authority as it is written within the fabric of creation, by the light of reason in the human heart, and most clearly and fundamentally in God's Word. Be ready to disagree without being disagreeable!