Who Am I?

I once knew someone with both medical and psychological training who tried to take his own life. There were many contributing factors to this (thankfully, unsuccessful) attempt, but there is one that stands out: An identity defined by circumstances.

In fact, this trait is inevitably found in every person I counsel. I recently spoke to a female soldier who lives for her kids and feels betrayed by her parents and past loves. Her life seems to hang in the balance between an identity rooted in her children and one rooted in her betrayal.

Whether we are proud, self-conscious, or somewhere in between, we all find our identity in all of the wrong places. We look to relationships, but all human love betrays in ways great and small. We look to achievements and experiences, but all of those are fleeting. Sometimes, we'll simply fall back on the crutch that we get to decide who we are and what we will become. But there will always be setbacks, and at such times, we who give meaning to ourselves can also take it away.

Cognitive psychology helps us by showing that we are not merely a set of behaviors that we do or a product of our experiences. It rightly shows us that behind every negative feeling is a negative thought process that can be altered in a positive direction. Yet alterations are always temporary because it relies on the same human faculties that get us in trouble in the first place.

We need an identity that stands beyond our circumstances--something I term an "extra-personal identity" (something that stands outside of oneself). If we have an identity that is rooted in something permanent and unchanging, then no circumstance can compromise our sense of self.

One soldier recently asked me where such an identity can be found. I sent this in response:

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

Behind every psychological issue in this world is an identity issue. If you cannot answer the question "Who am I?" satisfactorily; If you are looking for your identity in the wrong places, then you will always be blown and tossed by the winds of circumstances and you will be lucky not to drown.

There is a reason why the fundamental proclamation of a pastor each Sunday is Christ and Christ crucified. It is where the identity question meets the heart of the Gospel. Is your life "hidden with Christ in God?" Each week, even as a follower of Christ, we struggle on a heart-level with our identity in Christ. We struggle to believe that such a God is so loving, and that such love is unchanging. Remember that the Good Shepherd says that none who belong to Him can be snatched from His hand. Do you believe that? The more you find your identity in Christ; The more you truly believe it--the more you will find the rest of your life changing by His grace.

Helping the Poor is Not Enough

I sat down on my bunk, across from another soldier, just after chow.

He was fairly new to our unit, and after asking him some basic questions, I learned that he is (1) incredibly intelligent, (2) entrepreneurial, and (3) financially comfortable.

Unlike many in such a position, he does not exult in his IQ or money. He loves engaging in philanthropy, and after many failed attempts at it, has found a pastor that is helping people people on the ground level in Asia.

Inevitably, I try to draw conversations toward one's faith and upbringing. These topics are harder to get at, but once there, they offer a wealth of insight into someone's basic beliefs and assumptions. This soldier grew up Roman Catholic but didn't reflect much on the teaching. He only became more serious about Christianity after a relationship fell apart to college and he started attending a Baptist church.

Even so, neither he nor his family currently attend church. He also doesn't have confidence in the truth of the central claims of the Gospel. So I tried to connect the dots between his lifestyle and priorities (family and philanthropy) and his need for the Gospel.

"You love to help needy people. Are you needy?" I asked.

He knew that I didn't specific what type of need. "That's a good question," he replied. "I don't know how to answer it."

"I really appreciate how generous you are with your money, but how are you able to relate to those you are helping? How can you empathize and identify with them if you are not needy?

The Bible says that even our good deeds are like filthy rags before the Lord. Don't you think that it's important to address your need before God, even as you are helping others?"

(By the way, one of the reasons why these hard-hitting questions are allowable and by God's grace occasionally effective is that I have tilled the ground with lots of questions and interest in other parts of peoples' lives first.)

The soldier acknowledged that it was time to start looking at these things again. He knew he should probably take his family to church regularly, and his wife is pushing him to do it. But he is wary the anti-intellectualism and attempts at relevance. "If you think it's true--just tell me," he said, referring to the church. "Don't try to make it easier with catchy songs or sayings. Stand on what you believe."

I agreed wholeheartedly. "Don't go because you want to check the box or think it might be useful. Go because it is true. If Jesus is who He says He is and did what we know He did, then it's a game-changer. And if your wife is pushing you to do this, why don't you heed her wisdom and step up for your family's sake?"

He told me that he will start looking for a church. I will follow up with him. Please keep him in prayer!

*"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3)