There are few issues that touch me deeper than divorce. I have walked with countless friends through their parents' divorce--the initial shock, the grief, anger and guilt, the separate birthdays and holidays, the step-parents and step-siblings, the awkward marriage ceremony with divided parents. I have watched relatives get torn apart by divorce. I have watched fortified families within the Church get reduced to rubble.
I have one soldier who told me at the beginning of this deployment that he wanted a divorce. He was tired of having to put up with his wife. Other soldiers--all of whom have been burned through divorce--encouraged him to do it as soon as possible to minimize his legal/economic losses. I told him to fight like hell for his wife, not against her. Of what value is money if the thing that it is meant to materially secure--marriage--is destroyed? Trying to save a bit more for child support, knowing that such support supplements only getting to see the kids every other weekend?
I understand the bitterness of many of my soldiers. Quite a few were married for ten to twenty years before, in sudden and heartbreaking fashion, their wives dropped the "D" bomb. Most of these solders were ready and willing to fight for their marriages, but their wives were not. Most of them, like people I love who have gotten divorced, became shells of their former selves for the initial year or so in the wake of the bomb. The fantasy of a lifelong marriage now rendered an illusion. The best friend/"meta-partner," gone. The unbreakable bond of love, shattered. The family picture forever turn asunder. No wonder they're bitter!
And in the twilight of life, one has to wonder whether such a devastating decision was worth it. Was the grass truly greener on the other side? Does the wound of one flesh torn apart ever really heal?
It is easy to think the grass is greener on the other side from the inside of a marriage. Heck! What is marriage? It is the intentional, lifelong joining of two sinners into a blessed union that runs so deep, they can be considered one flesh. It is by nature a hard union, but sanctifying, and well worth every hard-fought gain. Relationships outside of marriage are a lot easier. One can appreciate the beauty and comraderie without the commitment. One can appreciate a casual friendship without the exposure of bearing one's soul. One can supposedly get all of the perks without any of the drawbacks.
Except one. Only in marriage can one be secured in love that reaches down to the dark, broken core. It is hard because such profound love by such broken creatures necessitates profound grace and effort. I can offer someone my body and my friendship, or I can offer someone my life. It is a terrifying prospect to offer a life, but is that giving, and taking another life upon your own, that draws together that breathtaking picture of God's love for His people in Christ Jesus.
I have one soldier who cheated on his borish wife with a woman who "gets him." Of course she gets him--she doesn't have to live with him. He has forsaken the harder, more worthwhile love, for the easier, cheaper love that lacks lifelong, sacrificial commitment. Meanwhile, a borish wife is back home, helping take care of the kids that are walking reminders of two people becoming one flesh.
Some practical lessons I am learning with regard to my own marriage:
1) I must be intentional about praising my wife every day.
2) I should never assume that she knows my heart for her--I must show it.
3) If I learn something new about myself, share it with her.
4) In hard discussions, express appreciation for something good and true about her position.
5) Leading my wife means proactively caring for her.
6) She must know she is more than a friend, but the sole object of my earthly affection.
7) I cannot love her as Christ loves the Church. But He can. And I can love better in that knowledge.
8) Protecting my wife also means honoring her and promoting her virtues.
9) I must always attack problems and not my wife. If I think ill of my wife, I will speak ill of her.
10) Teaching my wife means helping her to learn and own the truth on her own, alongside of me.
Father, in Your grace, give me the wisdom to not only make my marriage flourish, but to guard the marriages of those that are within my ability to help, by your Spirit's power and for the sake of Jesus Christ, my Lord. Amen.
