It is easy to switch to autopilot in a relationship. This is a particular temptation for men, who are naturally not as attuned to others' feelings, sensitivities, or need to be understood. I think men are more likely to think of a relationship as river, always and unalterably progressing, while women are more likely to think of a relationship as a plant, in need of watering and care.
In these assertions are true (which I can vouch for, at least by anecdote), then this is another example of an issue in which a man must carefully heed a woman's superior "emotional intelligence." The cold, calculating logic and abstractions that men often employ might be useful for problem-solving, but not for maintaining relationships. It is women who are more in touch with the truth of things as it comes to relationships and how one relates to the world.
Take, for example, the death of a loved one. Men are much more likely to dismiss the brunt of the grief with logical assessments--"Well, he was going to die anyway," "It was his time," "Death is a part of life," etc. (By the way, the second statement is presumptuous and the third is just wrong.) But for most women, if something is cry-worthy, they shed tears. They don't rationalize something like death and other tragedies. They grieve.
Last night, I retreated to my room to read and try to recoup from my latest war on under-the-weatherism. I had just settled into my bed and Game of Thrones when I received a phone call from a soldier I counseled earlier in the day. He told me his wife was willing to talk with me, and as he was about to leave on a mission, he wanted to know if I could counsel them that night. So I put my uniform back on, went to the office, and engaged in a Skype-ology session with the couple.
We went through the usual introductory formalities and I specifically gave the fiancee the floor for most of our meeting. I made sure that her soldier was repeating what she was saying in his own words to show that he was listening to and comprehending what she was saying. And I would then return to her and ask if he was getting what she was saying. She believed he was, but had no faith that he truly took her or their relationship seriously.
She was incredibly cynical. Based on his previous behavior, including neglect and minor deceptions, she believed him to be inherently untrustworthy and unable to prioritize their relationship or appreciate/value her. As a result, his every behavior was evidence of these traits and his words were not reflective of the deeper reality. Unless he can prove his trustworthiness and appreciation and unless she can believe it, this engagement is over and their little boy is doomed to a life of house-trading and separate holidays.
If this soldier had understood that his relationship needed his constant attention, he would not be in this crisis state now. There would have been evidence imprinted upon his fiancee's heart regarding his character that would testify in her heart against his guilt and kept her open and soft to his overtures and declarations of change and renewal. The brutal reality is that there is often not a second chance in most relationships. Commitment is much more fickle in modern times than in bygone eras. Active care must compensate for this fact.
But he was oblivious to this fact, as he was to the fact that relationships are never static. They are not a river. They are a plant. They are either growing or dying. This is the same in the Christian life, where one is either a slave to sin or to righteousness (Rom. 6). He cannot have it both ways. There is always movement.
I have been disturbed by the number of women who have seemed to flee their families in the middle of night after 15-20 years of marriage. I am still disturbed by that fact. The recourse to exercise in the face of neglect or mistreatment is counseling, not divorce. Yet I am also disturbed by the lack of awareness that men have leading up to this crisis point. They have assumed that the river would always flow. Instead, they find a withered plant, flowers in the dust.
May God in His grace grant men the attentiveness they need and must show to their dear wives and may He in His grace grant women the wisdom to seek help rather than escape. May He impress upon both the knowledge that marriage is not static and that downward dynamism will inevitably occur, but that marriage is made for moments like these: To show forth the unconditional love of God for His people, demonstrated at just the right time in Christ's death for sinners.
And in the meantime, as He faithfully nurtures the faith of His people and sanctifies them for Christ's sake, may His people find refreshment and encouragement in the knowledge that His love is not so fickle.
