Greetings, Friends.
Of the frequent counseling I do with soldiers, the most common theme is relationships. Due to are oversized Midwest contingent (mostly from Ohio), there is a higher percentage of married soldiers that I am used to. Yet the norm, especially in the Army, is that a given soldier has grown up in a broken home and now resides in a broken home. As a couple of black soldiers told me today when I asked them about their relationship situations--"Sir, you know no black people are married when they kids." That's not totally true--some 30% of black children are still born in wedlock, but that's an aside. The key takeaway is that broken relationships are a significant problem--morally, culturally, and psychologically (as most Army suicides are due to relationship failure).
All that said, here are a few random tips for young couples entertaining thoughts of marriage:
1) Make your relationship conversationally-based. This means that before you go to the movie or the club, you should go out to dinner or out for coffee. The focus should be on learning more about each other. Most important issues to hit: family, personal development, spiritual beliefs and moral standards, previous relationships, ambitions, strengths and weaknesses in character.
2) Establish boundaries right away. There is no time to lose. While it would be tacky to have a document in hand for your potential bf/gf, it should not be too far from the truth. Your standards should be discussed before things get serious (though it will be awkward), rather than when they get serious. Principles must govern the relationship from the outset. In addition, if both parties have different standards (and they shouldn't be too different), always give absolute deference to the stricter standard.
3) Ask for help immediately and always. As soon as you start dating someone, find a mentor in a really solid relationship and ask them for continuous wisdom and accountability. In addition, start reading some books on healthy relationships (and Scripture). If, God-willing, you become engaged, aim to do at least these three things: meet consistently with a mentor couple, meet consistently with a marriage counselor, and read books on marriage together. If, God-willing, you get married, arrange monthly or bi-monthly "check-ups" with a marriage counselor to get another set of eyes on your various patterns, difficulties, etc.
4) Keep all components of a relationship level with one another. Our spiritual, emotional, and physical bonds should all progress in one accord. Otherwise, a relationship gets lopsided and standards become more easily compromised. In other words, intimacy in one category will often lead to intimacy in another. In a sense, I think it is possible to be spiritually or emotionally promiscuous in a way that will harm your relationship (or future relationships). My own preference is that one doesn't drop the L-word until ring shopping has already commenced. And one should not take it to the "next level" physically unless they do so emotionally and spiritually--and with regard to all of these, this next level is the level of marriage, which binds them all together for a lifetime.
5) Play it safe. It is easy to become arrogant if you have strict moral standards. It is easy to declare that you will never compromise those standards, but that arrogance often gives rise to lapses in wisdom. In your pride, you enter a pressure-situation where the clear lines of moral standards evaporate into fog. You soon become another example of "how the mighty have fallen." In humility, set rules for yourself and your relationship from the outset that keep your out of dangerous scenarios. For example, Lindsey and I made it a rule not to hang out in private. We kept our dates outdoors, or only brought them into a house if there were others present.
6) Avoid relationship-killing attitudes and words. I went on a rant against the "D-bomb" yesterday, but there are other poisonous words and attitudes. For example, if someone says "I don't need help," they are in essence saying "My relationship is not worth the sacrifice of my pride." Those who refuse to get help are those who refuse to do what it takes. Also, generalizations. "He/she always does this..." or "This is just the way he/she is..." These generalizations form negative pictures of your significant other in your mind that poison your view of that person and traps them in a box that they cannot escape from.
7) Hone in on "family-of-origin" issues. The most destructive baggage we bring into relationships are psychological habits, ingrained expectations, and perhaps unhealthy relationships from our previous families. These FOO issues are often the most insidious, potent, and neglected factors and relationship failures. One of the great things about counselors is that they often help you unearth these various pieces of baggage and sort through them.
Ultimately, our relationships must be grounded in and consecrated in service to Jesus Christ. If we take the daily posture of "I am a sinner in need of grace," we are setting ourselves up for success. Our sin will hurt our relationships and at times, be painfully exposed. We must expect that and humbly prepare ourselves for such eventualities. At the same time, we are called in marriage to love one another unconditionally, and that unconditional love means that grace is always extended toward the sinner. That grace, in light of our most destructive impulses, gives us safety and security to grow and reminds that those who are found in Christ need never fear being lost once more.
