I have a hard time with marriage counseling. There is often loads of selfishness, rampant finger-pointing, pettiness, and cruelty. Yet there is one below-the-belt device that supercedes all others and makes a marriage conflict "go nuclear": the D-bomb.
You can cuss at your spouse (though you most certainly shouldn't) and it would not have the devastating impact of mentioning the term "divorce." It doesn't matter what the context is, how it is employed, or what supposed justification there is for it--you must avoid going nuclear at all costs.
I know of one soldier who is having a horrible time with his wife in his young marriage. It seems like he is much more eager to work past their problems than she is, and that he is willing to receive outside help, while she is not (which is usually the kiss of death upon a marriage). The problem is that, as she was berating him recently, he blurted out something along the lines of "If you'd like a divorce, I'll do it, because I just want you to be happy."
Sounds kind and loving, but is really cruel and devastating. Our words are a reflection of our thoughts, and in turn, often become our deeds. By using the term, this soldier displayed his deeper thoughts and showed that an unacceptable option was on the table. It doesn't matter how he put it, his wife now knows that his bond of love and commitment is not unbreakable, as long as she is the one to push the red button.
We must never, ever use that term--not as a matter of rigorous rule-keeping, but as a matter of wisdom and love. To use the term is to tell the one who relies upon our unconditional love that our love is, in fact, conditional in some part. The trust and security and vulnerability found in the bond of unconditional love is immediately forfeited and can only be rebuilt with great effort.
Jesus has told His sheep that no one can snatch them from His hand (John 10) and Paul later instructs us by God's Spirit that "nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8). In that absolute assurance and security, believers have the freedom to live life and face death without fear. It must be the undeterred goal of the spouse to reflect that love and grant the same assurance and security to a marriage, even at great sacrifice. For Christ, when called upon to seal this bond of unconditional love between God and His people, did so with the shedding of His own blood.
