If I had enough paper to list all the times when my pride was involved in decisions I made regarding my marriage and whatever difficulties we faced as a couple...
Profile on a recent counseling case:
1) Basic issue: Ongoing dispute between deployed husband and his wife over whether he should seek an add-on deployment that will keep him from home for an additional 3-9 months.
2) Positions on basic issue: The wife (with kids) misses her husband greatly and believes she will become much more depressed if he stays longer. The husband believes that he should stay longer in order to fully pay off the new home that they have purchased.
3) Background: They recently purchased a home at the instigation of the wife, which the husband agreed to, though he hated the idea of accruing any sort of debt. They also have communication issues, with the husband dismissing his wife's emotionalism as irration and the wife dismissing her husband's persistent use of logic as cold-hearted.
4) Deeper issues: It sounds like they both base their happiness on life circumstances, rather than the Gospel (which they both believe in). The wife believed the new home would make her happy (it hasn't), and that having her husband home would solve her loneliness issues (it won't). The husband believes his anxiety over debt will be eliminated if he pays off the house (it won't) and that greater financial security will bring greater peace to the marriage (it won't).
5) Theological issues: While he denies it, the husband basically considers the taking on of debt to be sinful. He takes Biblical warnings against debt to be prohibitions, and thus believes that this is a sin issue rather than a wisdom issue. It is likely that he is cloaking his anxiety over finances and God's provision in the matter of debt. He also believes that his current dilemma is a result of God giving him over to his foolish decisions--a dilemma he can partly rectify by absolving himself of the debt. Finally, he scantly talks of God's grace and persistent providence as the Father of all good and perfect gifts. There is no perception of his house as a gift, nor that even decisions tainted by sin (as all decisions are!) are used by God for our good and His glory.
6) Relational issues: Even though he takes responsibility for making the decision to buy the house, he not-so-secretly blames his wife. She offered him the apple and told him to eat. He seems to view his wife as a competitor rather than partner and they largely fight against each other rather than for each other, let alone together against sin, Satan, and the flesh. He also speaks of his decision regarding staying out here as a done deal. Such a unilateral pronouncement diminshes his wife's role in the marriage and devalues her as a person worth more than such casual dismissal.
7) My issues: Obviously, judgment is at the forefront. Even with my own selfishness toward my wife, I can't stand it when spouses show so little deference toward one another. I especially struggle with men who are unwilling to lead their wives by sacrificing for them--who care for and teach their wives of Jesus Christ by washing their feet and caring for their hearts. As much as I love my calling to the Army, if my wife tells me that she wants me out, or if I can tell it is doing damage to her or our military, the choice is easy.
So, of course, when I speak of the need to sacrifice to this soldier, I use myself as an example and express disbelief at his position. Pretty ugly of me, right? He asked me at one point, "Don't you see my side at all?" I had to apologize. Even so, I was still judging him in my heart. I identified myself more as a chaplain to sinners than as the worst of sinners. This is why I'm currently enjoying Paul David Tripp's book, Dangerous Calling, as it provides a shot across the bow of the pastor's pride. That's why I also enjoyed Love's Executioner, by Irving Yalom, which showed how the most prestigious psychologists grow frustrated, impatient, and judgmental. We are sinners!
And last night, as I considered the difficulty of the counseling appointment and the frustration I still feel toward this soldier, I considered my own sin. What if the Judge of the world, Jesus Christ, regarded me as I regard this soldier in my heart? He would have every right to, as He is the holy King and I am a rebel of the worst sort. Truly, He is justified in His judgments. I imagined Him coming on the clouds to take hold of me and condemn me. Then I imagined Him casting down His crown of glory, taking upon Himself the crown of thorns, and bearing the cross. I wanted to cry. I deserved and still deserve what He bore in my place. How can such infinite love and sacrificial grace not touch my heart? May the God who showed me mercy grant me mercy toward this soldier!
Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died--more than that, was raised--sits at the right hand of God and makes intercession for us. (Rom. 8:34)
