The Importance of Confrontation

Let's start with a simple scenario: Whenever you gather with a group of friends, one of them always goes out of his/her way to criticize you. You don't know whether it is mean-spirited or playful, but you do know that you don't like it.

At first, you just play it off or ignore it, figuring it is just a few words and nothing to get worked up about. Maybe you'll look to sensitive or defensive if you bring the matter up. But it becomes routine. You start to harbor resentment toward this person and either begin to become aggressive ("Oh yeah..."), passive aggressive ("Let's see how you like the silent treatment."), or gossipy.

Whatever the case, you are both now consumed by an unpleasant feeling and acting out against this person through whatever means. And this is what typically happens when there is not a confrontation.

Nobody likes confrontations. If I had a nickle for every "Brother, we need to talk" talk that I have received, I would be a rich man. I hate them, whether giving or receiving. They are always a buzz kill, often awkward, and are volatile--the person confronted is more likely to be defensive or argumentative than repentant. But we still need to do it. Here are a few reasons why:

1) Confrontation allows for free expression and resolution of negative feelings.

You don't have to agree with the source of my offense, but if you at least hear me out, I'm less likely to hold onto negative feelings. See how that works? Sometimes, we just need to be heard. This is where Job's friends really came to drop the ball. Job might have been wrong in some of his assessments regarding his suffering, but he didn't need their agreement, he needed their ears.

When you confront someone, you are doing it for yourself as much as the other person. Feelings exposed to the light of day are much easier to manage (even if there is not repentance). When feelings are simply harbored, they can be felt but not really identified and treated. When I put them into words, they are under my control--I am not under their control. I can then lift them specifically before the throne of grace and forgive, regardless of repentance by another party..

2) Confrontation often heals relationships--at least from one side.

This truth proceeds from the last one. When feelings are expressed, they can be resolved and healed--at least from one side. You don't need someone to agree with you or even necessarily hear you out, but once you've expressed your feelings, they are more manageable.

3) Confrontation often leads to repentance.

It is not just individuals that are healing through confrontation, but often relationships as well. When someone is confronted with their words or behavior in a loving and gentle way, he/she may very well be convicted of their sin (or neglect) and repent.

This does not mean that they will confess that what they did was sin. I once accidentally offended a soldier of mine. I had not seen her in a while, and as I do with all of my soldiers, I asked her how things were going with her boyfriend. Several other people were around when I asked this. I forgot how private she is, and that she doesn't want anyone to know she has a boyfriend.

She immediately turned to me and said "That's rude!" I was shocked by her response, mumbled for a moment, and then quickly changed the subject. I felt horrible. A little while later, I apologized to this soldier when I caught her in private. It wasn't that I directly sinned against her, but I was foolish, not remembering her preferences. And even if I didn't think I did anything wrong, I hurt her feelings, which is cause enough for repentance.

But in confronting me in that moment, I had the opportunity to repent, rather than hearing about my nosiness or my soldier's unaddressed anger from other parties down the road.

My dad is a great example to me in this regard. Like me (and everybody else), he hates being confronted. But he doesn't grow defensive or argumentative. He listens to what is said, works to understand it, then repents.

4) Confrontation exposes sin patterns that might otherwise go unaddressed.

Often times, we are doing a favor for another person when we confront them. I realized anew recently that some generalizations I make are taken personally by one of my loved ones. I could have guessed as much, but I didn't really get it until this person confronted me about it. She explained how exactly my remarks were perceived in a way I could really understand.

I apologized and will seek in the future to avoid such generalizations with her. I know that I am a sinner, as David confesses, that sin is always before me. But I often miss the exact manifestations of that sin and how it affects others. When you confront me on something, even if I think you're way off the mark, I will likely be pricked by at least one thing you said and work on that issue. I will repent, by God's grace, and endeavor to improve, by God's grace.

5) Confrontation reminds us of our standing before God.

Confrontation tells us about ourselves. When I confront you, I am acknowledging that I live in a broken world with broken relationships and a breaking heart. When you confront me, I am forced to admit that I take a hand in the breaking of this world, relationships, and hearts. In other words, it forces me to deal seriously with the issue of my sin.

In addition, I realize that sin, as an offense against love and righteousness, must be addressed. In this realization, I must reflect upon a holy God and how He views sin. The offense of sin is much graver against God than man. Though David had an affair with Bathsheba and had her husband killed, he confessed to God with broken heart soon after: "Against you, you alone, have I sinned" (Ps. 51). David sinned against others, but there is nothing as serious as sinning against a holy God. I am worthy of not only His confrontation, but His eternal condemnation (Rom. 6:23).

Finally, confrontation leads me to the throne of grace. The fact is that God will not give me His justified judgment of death and torment. Instead, the Son of God willingly walked the perfect path on my behalf, offering to God His sinless life, and then bore God's judgment upon my sin. He who knew no sin became sin so that I might be the righteousness of God (2 Cor. 5:21).

When you confront a dodo like me, you give me an opportunity to own my sin and what it deserves anew, as well as find my life once more in Christ and endeavor to live anew, standing upon His grace alone (Rom. 5). Your loving confrontation also reminds me of my Savior, who came to me in mercy, not in judgment.