I should have anticipated the drama of this past drill weekend, as something both brutal and beautiful in equal measure. I had lined up visits to three separate units throughout the state in order to provide chapel services and conduct suicide prevention training. Thankfully, the Lord prepared and sustained me even if I hadn't adequately prepared myself!
The weekend began with a proper note of humility. I didn't get perfect scores on my PT (physical training test). I crushed the push-ups and sit-ups, but windy Wisconsin had 13-14mph winds in store for me at the track. I watched my pace dip from 6:30 on one side of the track to 7:15 on the other side of the track--the wind made my clothes feel like a parachute. I missed my perfect running score by a good 20 seconds. I was still the third runner across the line and I was able to keep from beating myself up by going back and retrieving the suffering runners behind me. On the way back to the unit, I consoled myself by blaming the wind. I then got on the scale and realized that my Wisconsin weight was to blame as much as the Wisconsin wind. I either need to lose 10 pounds or start wearing new clothes so that my faux baby weight doesn't show.
Here are some of the interactions I had this weekend:
Keeping the demons--not the Lord--at bay. On a weekend dealing with suicide prevention, it was appropriate that a soldier would approach me about suicidal "ideations" (thoughts). Ever since he deployed years ago, he has felt that the presence of God that he used to feel has departed from him. This feeling has grown as a number of his battle buddies have subsequently taken their own lives. Each time one of them goes down, he finds it harder and harder to come back up. He is seeing a secular counselor, but recognizes that a lot these issues are moral and existential. He needed soul care.
This appointment was long, difficult, and extensive. Yet there were a few recurring themes:
1) Neither the United States or the Middle East constitute the "real world"--they together give us a picture of that world. The truth is that this world is both broken and beautiful. We shouldn't ever truly feel like we belong to a given time and place because there are jarring realities with which we shouldn't be at peace. At the same time, we can't dismiss the beauty because of the brokenness. They must be held together, in tension. We must grieve as those with hope!
2) When we can't see our own intrinsic and value and worth, we must go to those who can see it. This soldier has a little boy not much older than my own. He loves the way his boy looks at him when he comes home. His boy adores him. I asked him to think about his boy looking upon his daddy's casket instead. That sickening thought underscores how much he is loved. I also told him to think about his mother's love for him. She birthed him, watched him grow, and would've done anything to protect her boy. He must understand her mommy-heart. Sometimes, our greatest understanding of our value comes through the love of others.
3) In order to understand these things, we must share our brokenness with those who love us. I suffered several bitter disappointments that made me feel like a failure. I don't like burdening my wife with my feelings, but she said "I do" for a reason. I need her to tend to my heart (as she needs me to do the same). In fact, she deserves all of me--not the superficial, smiley part. Absolutely privacy is a symptom of absolute pride. We are not meant to walk the valley of the shadow of death alone. God gives us family and friends exactly for this reason.
4) And walk through this valley we must. It's chill winds will send shivers down our spines. Our tears and fears are appropriate echoes to the brokenness of this world. Even Jesus--the Son of God--wept at the sin and death that had invaded the world created through Him! Yet, for those who belong to Jesus, His presence does not depart. God never turns a blind eye or deaf ear to our suffering. The blindness belongs to us whose eyes are clouded by tears! That is why He gives us His life-giving Word, which reminds us that He is with us--His rod and His staff, they comfort us. And nothing--even our own rebellious natures--can snatch us from His hand. The Bible preached and read, the sacraments, and prayer are all called means of grace for a reason. God communicates His grace to us through these means and breaks the stranglehold of Satan, sin, and suffering.
My baby is dead! The next morning, I drove through the beautiful hillscape of western Wisconsin to our unit in Onalaska (near LaCrosse). I started a suicide prevention briefing as I normally do, by telling the soldiers about myself, my upbringing, my deployment, and my struggles. I use my own painful vulnerability to encourage them to do the same with me and with others.
Partway through, a soldier raised his hand and as he tried to speak, his whole body convulsed with heartrending sobs. Just weeks before, his girlfriend gave birth to a dead baby. She is grieving bitterly, and he can't share his own grief with her because it feels overwhelming. As he spoke, several soldiers put their arms and hands on him. They already knew this information. His point in talking about it was to show how important it is to share these heartaches, and to express his gratitude to the unit, which sent his girlfriend flowers and a condolence note, and collected money to help them get by financially in the their time of grief. What a powerful example of how we are to care for one another in the context of community! That said, the loss of their baby is so hard. Please pray for them.
"Being Jesus" vs. Trusting Jesus. I had four counseling sessions recently dealing with sexual infidelities and their effects. One issue that often surfaces is pornographic addiction. For those who scoff or belittle this issue--note that even sexually permissive publications are ringing the alarm bell that this addiction is ruining lives and crippling society. Instead of checking this moral and psychological cancer at the door, we have allowed it to metastasize. I heard recently that some 70% of men struggle with porn. A few quick points of advice for those suffering from this addiction:
1) Employ the "cut off your hand" principle. This is a powerful addiction (more so than many drugs) and requires a powerful response. Put filters on all of your electronics. If you don't need them for something, leave them at home (or if you're at home, leave them at work).
2) Sexuality is not identity. Don't buy into the lie that you are what you do. If you are a follower of Jesus Christ, you belong to Him. He has the final word over you.
3) Jesus gives you wisdom through His Spirit as well as strength. Don't simply test your strength (and test the Lord) with each successive encounter. There is arrogance in that approach. The Lord gives us wisdom to stay out of such encounters in the first place. Avoid the battle in the first place!
4) Since Jesus has final word over you, don't let moral failure have the final word over your night. The Devil is great at condemning you after your sin and telling you that reading Scripture or praying would make you a hypocrite. Yet hypocrites may still approach the throne of grace with boldness and confidence, crying "Have mercy on me, the sinner!"
Several soldiers are also struggling with their own parent's infidelities and are often being asked to counsel and/or mediate between their parents! This is not only grossly inappropriate, but incredibly unfair and confusing for those caught in the middle. Such people stuck in those situations need to know that they can simultaneously be mad at a parent and still love them. Love doesn't mean pretending not to be hurt.
Also, the confusion resulting from these situations is only compounded by the confusion found throughout society regarding relationships nowadays. Parents give up their authority to be their kids' BFFs. They treat their spouses as partners rather than lovers. Emotional dependency and enmeshment seems to be everywhere. A husband and wife must be best friends with one another, not their kids. If a parent is single/divorce, he/she must find another emotional support other than a child. I met one soldier whose unfaithful dad confides in him about current relationships; his devastated mom relies upon him as her emotional support; his unstable sister had made him her lifeline.
I had to remind him--he isn't Jesus. Not only will he fail in his role of savior, but he will be crushed in the process. He must trust in his Savior, and trust his family to Him as well. He should draw boundaries with each of them, help them see their need for other human supports, and more importantly, the love, grace and conviction that only God can give.
When I led chapel services at the different locations, I drew upon a familiar and beloved passage of Scripture: The parable of the Prodigal Son. In that parable, we are powerfully reminded that our hearts drove us away from God. But in the same breath, we are poignantly shown that it is God's heart--and His heart alone--which can draw us back home.
For each of us--sinners, sufferers, some saved by grace and others in need of being saved by grace--may we find our home in Him.
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