One of the reasons I love being counseled on occasion is to have another set of eyes on my sin and my struggles. Having a spouse is great for that purpose as well. The nature of sin is such that we are often self-deceived about its existence and power in our lives.
So often, it takes a seemingly random occurrence (really, God's providence) to awaken us to the grip of sin on our hearts and minds. Such a moment came for me yesterday. Perhaps I was using working out to distract me from my struggles, but I set grossly unrealistic expectations for myself for my gym routine. I decided I was going to run a half marathon on a treadmill in two mile blocks, and between each block, I would work out a different muscle group. (This would've taken 3 hours, in retrospect.)
But I had not prepared for it all during the course of the workday, either mentally or with hydration or eating habits. I ran two miles, worked my shoulders, ran a much tougher two miles, and then barely worked my legs before I felt like I was out. It was light when I went outside, but everything inside was dark. A pessimistic thought pattern took hold that enabled me to fall into the old traps of generalizing my problem (this always happens), catastrophizing my problem (this is just my life), and personalizing my problem (this is who I am).
All of a sudden my mind was spinning with thoughts of how I will never be an Army Ranger, nor should I be one because I am a rotten chaplain who wouldn't help anyone anyway. I had gone Eeyore. I got back to my room and had no interest in showering but just sat on my bed for a long while. When the sweat dried, I put my uniform back on and went to finish a task or two in the office and grab my Nook (if I didn't have those motivations, I probably would've stayed in my room all night).
I started looking back over my life the past couple of weeks. I dreaded getting up early in the morning to pray with convoys before they departed, though I almost always went because it meant so much to them. I often wanted to be alone in my office and eat alone in the DFAC, and would silently resent those who broke the silence. And the brunt of my scorn was saved for the "knockers," those who don't know the code to our building and knock on our door, and because I work next to the door, I usually have to go open it. It seems to often happen when I'm trying to focus on something. Each knock pierced me and made me angry. Even when I return home, in my mind, there'll probably be a special place reserved in Maryland for those who knock on my door.
My bout of the blues yesterday was preceded the night before by a general feeling of heaviness I just couldn't shake. I guess this is what happens when your normal run-of-the-mill depressive episodes are intermingled with the added strain of being deployed.
I also examined what I haven't done for my self-care in recent weeks. I have not taken an LBR (low battle rhythm--a couple of hours off) in several weeks. I have not been particularly prayerful in my reading of God's Word. I have not been preaching God's Word to my own heart before I preach it to others (my mentor pastor sent out a nice reminder to do that the other day). I have not listened to sermons online in several weeks. And I had allowed these problems to fester, in large part because I was unaware and in part because I was not utilizing the God-given tools to be made more aware.
Now I am more aware, by God's grace. I took an LBR today between the morning service and Operation Outreach (our volunteer work). I went to the Green Bean, used a gift card generously donated by a family of friends in California (and got an Espresso Chai Latte with ground cinnamon on top--my favorite) and read Game of Thrones for several hours.
(Parents: Do not let your children read the books. The author is a master storyteller and they represent the height of modern fiction, but unlike Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, there are quite a few scenes that would be inappropriate for unmarried young adults, let alone children.)
I also will make a point to listen to a sermon (or two) online this week to force my wandering heart to sit still under the preaching of the Gospel of grace and savor the beauty of my Christ. The Rev. Rob Norris once said that unlike the common line of thinking, we often need do ourselves into feeling, not feel ourselves into doing. I can't wait for my desires to catch up. I will re-devoted myself to means of grace that God has provided, and trust that by Word and Spirit, He will work in me to will and work according to His good pleasure.
