All jesting aside, the brave service members in our country do not wear a uniform, but support those who do. They invest in our security and freedom by loaning out their loved ones, standing by helpless while their loved ones stand in harm's way, and hold down the home front as well.
There is no one for whom war in harder that a military wife. In many ways, it is even harder for wives today than in previous conflicts. In the past, the loneliness and helplessness was only rarely broken up by letters from war. Today, the war spills over the phone lines every day. The stress and strain of a combat environment is often taken out upon the helpless, sacrificial hero at home.
And no, unless you have been a deployment bachelorette yourself, you have no idea how it feels. You cannot relate. You cannot make it better. (Leaving a partial exception for other family members.)
The line my wife hates the most with regard to Afghanistan is "Oh, we're still over there?" Such a comment betrays a callous indifference to the one percent or so of our country who drives around in armored vehicles on foreign soil, or anxiously awaits a vehicle filled with men in dress blues to come and ring the doorbell.
This is why most of the wives were breaking down at the recent Yellow Ribbon event. Theirs is a burden that no one else must carry. Theirs is terror that few others will ever experience. Theirs is a sacrifice that few will ever be called to make. (Again, it is easier to fight for your country than to relinquish your loved one to do so.) And again, no one can understand. Military wives must make peace with this fact and emotionally gird themselves. When they were finally surrounded with fellow home front heroes, they were finally safe to show their pain and heartache.
In that vein, here are several principles with regard to caring for a deployment wife:
1) Do not belittle their pain. One of the most heartless lines proffered to deployment spouses is "Well, what did you expect? Isn't this what he signed up for?" Yes, this is what soldiers sign up for and in the back of their minds, this is what wives expect. But we also marry, knowing that we both will eventually die. But we don't look the grieving widow in the eye and say "Well, what did you expect? Isn't this what you signed up for?"
2) Do not relativize their pain. I tend to be guilty of this one. I counter pain, depression, and pessimism with sun-shiny optimism. "Well, look how much you've grown!" "You know God has a purpose in all of this!" "I know this thing really hurts, but look at all these good things out there." There is no faster way to seal off the heart of the afflicted than to so casually dismiss their pain.
3) Do not "relate" to their pain. We often think we have an anecdote for any given situation that will help to show we are in the same boat. We sort through the library of our own experiences to pull out a book that we can hand off to make someone feel better. The reality is that no one can relate to a deployment wife unless their husband has been deployed or is captured or missing in a foreign land. "I know how you feel--it was really hard when my husband was away on business" does not suffice.
4) Do not criticize their pain. This is another one that implicates me. I tend to problem-solve my wife's pain. "If you are so busy, why don't you cut down on your activities?" "Don't complain about something that you could have avoided." I was soundly humbled in this regard recently. My wife, who has been swimming in profound thoughts since the deployment of her husband, wrote to me to explain why she can't relent from her busyness, even during a deployment.
On the one hand, every wife using busyness as a distraction to keep them from the Satan-spawned thoughts of death, loneliness, and life apart. But my wife, as a mother, added another thought in this regard. She wants our boy to have a normal first year of life. She wants to include him in the family Turkey Trot, or celebrate other family traditions like his future siblings will.
This line of thought reminded me of my mom, who despite our very poor upbringing, would always try to provide a very nice Christmas, with presents for every child. She would be criticized for wasting the little bit of money my parents had, but she was willing to do what others thought foolish if she thought it was in the best interests of her kids.
My wife is a hero. Most of her busyness is not due to work, but due to our son. She could cut some of this busyness, but she would rather lose sleep and be stressed than to give her son any less that what she feels she can offer for his betterment.
At the Yellow Ribbon event, the chaplain explained that most military wives have PTSD. Remember what I mentioned in a previous post. When we go into crisis mode, and stay there, it sometimes locks into place and replaces normal mode. Military wives go through a year of holding down the home front, tolerating callousness and indifference toward their plight, and wonder each day when that car might pull up at the door step.
Thankfully, for those in Christ, they have a God who spreads His wings over them in this time. He ministers to them in their loneliness. He tends to their frantic prayers offered in the middle of the night. He does not condemn or dismiss their misery, but offers the life and death of His suffering, dead, resurrected, and ascended Son as the vessel drawing peace and hope from grief.
