Thank the Lord for 5-Hour Energy! As the last couple hundred pages of the first Game of Thrones book took bites from the morsels of my sleep, I was still enabled to plow through a day at one of the sites with my teams.
I realize I largely offered critiques for how one relates with a deployment wife in one of my recent posts. Here's a more constructive approach, with some practical waves to help these heroes.
1) Meals and household chores. Doing these things, especially when done spontaneously, can bring a bit of joy to what might otherwise be a dreary day for a spouse. That said, make sure not to make and offer without following through. This only breeds disappointment and additional loneliness.
2) Find out and attack specific needs. I have been convicted about this as a general rule. I often offer to help ("If you ever need anything..."), but my help is rarely requested. Why? People, as a general rule, do not like to see out help. Specifics target and offer to attack the problem and remove the overwhelming decision-making process from the plate of the spouse. One example: "Can I come over on Tuesday at 11am to mow your lawn?"
3) Know when to talk and when not to talk. There are some days when my wife is lonely and stuck to the house with our boy, and on those days, she could use a friendly face and warm conversation. There are other days when my wife is overwhelmed, exhausted, and particularly introverted and needs space. She'll play host to anyone who drops by with a smile on her face, but while she may not show it, such conversations could be draining for her. Ask her clearly what type of day it is for her, and ask her to respond clearly as well!
4) Empathize. I discussed what this does not mean in an earlier post. Being perfectly frank, one should carefully and tenderly love a deployment spouse as they would a new widow. They live with the fear of their husband's death, they live as if their husband is dead, and whatever portion of time is allotted to them for the deployment is, in a sense, a "dead" time of marital and family life that they will never get back (not to say it is not a valuable time as well, in God's providence).
Allow them to grieve and be prepared to simply listen and grieve with them. If they seem to be moving toward despair, coax them into seeking out hope and owning it. Don't tell them that they should have hope, or how to have hope, but ask about their worst fears and how God has kept those fears from being realized. Ask them how they have seen God at work recently. Ask them what God has used, and in particular any Bible passages He has used, to comfort them. Ask them about their hopes for the weeks to come. Ask them if they believe those hopes could be realized, based on what they have shared with you in response to previous questions.
Especially for deployment wives whose husbands serve in the reserve, feeling included and love is particularly difficult. There are a million resources for active duty and your neighborhood is filled with fellow deployment spouses whose husbands are serving with your own. The Church, in particular, must act as the wings of God's enfolding grace and care. And may God prosper the labors of His Church as she endeavors to do so, in the grace of and with gratitude for Christ!
