A number of my soldiers are frustrated by Army-imposed delays on their ability to go home. For some, additional medical appointments are needed. For others who don't have jobs waiting on the other side, there is mandatory job training.
As one soldier told me, "I just want to get home to my daughter."
But those who go home to a wife and/or children must be careful in their haste. It doesn't matter how swimmingly a marriage fares on deployment, there will be inevitable difficulties coming home.
As a general rule, both soldier and wife have learned a lifestyle of independence that must be worked back into the fabric of marriage--much like when a couple first marries. I am used to receiving guidance and forming my own plans, with others providing my meals and doing my laundry. The wife is used to controlling all matters of the household and as a matter of survival, not second-guessing herself.
Obviously, the hardest path to negotiate will be in parenting out little boy. Certainly, a part of the wifey simply wants to hand the little one off to me and be done with parenting for a while. At the same time, she enjoys a precious singular bond with him that will now be shared with daddy as well. That could prove difficult. Will she filled with joy every time she sees me playing with him apart from her? I am not so sure. Will I always enjoy seeing the tricks and skills my wife utilizes in caring for him when I will seem so horribly inept when I return? Probably not.
Independence breeds competition, which is likely a participating factor in the dissolution of many marriages in the military and society-at-large. The wife and I will have to learn to become one in our marriage once more and thus complement one another. Individually, we can each survive as parents. Together, we thrive. And does my wife deserves this type of team-parenting after a year of surviving on her own (and doing a wonderful job)!
But this inevitable friction creeps into more discreet areas of the marriage as well, aside from parenting. Our financial management has always been a well-oiled machine, by God's grace. I love to budget, while the wifey hates it. Thus, I am the one constantly crunching and projecting numbers--helping us look at big picture matters like saving, paying off debt, and retirement.
The wifey also likes clear rules in our financial management (she loves rules!) to help guide her spending habits. So I budget a specific amount in our budget for groceries and discretionary and that provides her a cap for the month.
When I deployed, I handed off the whole budget to her. Knowing she didn't like the inner workings of it like I did, I simply offered her broad parameters--make sure to stay above a certain amount in checking and make sure that certain things were paid and accounted for each month. If checking went over a certain amount, she could put it into savings.
She did a fantastic job of holding to these parameters. In the past couple of weeks, I started tracking the budget again and getting very detailed in crunching numbers. This can seem off-putting to the wifey, who in her own distinct way has managed the budget.
Neither of us had to answer to anyone else on a number of issues this past year--now we answer to each other. Over and over again, we'll run into seemingly mundane issues that cause brief flare-ups because we are used to handling matters individually.
Last night, we compared this ordeal to that daily "hour of power" where the husband comes home from work and immediately wants a break, while the wife also wants a break from the baby. This is the hour where most couples experience their worst fighting. Both need help from the other, and both feel misunderstood by the other. My advice to husbands has always been to bite the bullet, suck it up, and serve their wives for that first hour.
In the same way, the wifey and I will both need help from each other in the coming weeks. I will likely be overcoming a great sleep deficit, adjusting to civilian life again, and learning how to parents. She will be overcoming a great sleep deficit and in need of an active helper in parenting. So what will give?
I will try to jump into action right away in limited ways to assist my wife; she will try to give me plenty of time to rest and adjust. Both of us are looking to serve the other, which provides a good start to this process. The process will be messy, but this mutual heart of service will be the key in helping us meld back into one entity and love and serve together once more.
Deployment doesn't truly end when a soldier returns--the fight for the homeland simply becomes a fight for home and hearth once more. But the same grace upon which we have stood during this deployment will serve us just as well in love as in war. We fight together in the Lord.
